Challenges

Alright where to begin. Last couple of days have been rough on me especially. Lots of emotional stuff with my parents. I wanted to say thank you a lot to Mike who honestly I thought would have run for the hills by now. But he has stuck by offering support as much as he possibly can and some good advice. Thanks baby!

He wrote up a review of my behavior and I think we are going to include those weekly from now on.

"id say that over the last couple of days your behavior has been better, early on you were really bratty and pushing boundaries with your attitude. After today you seem to get it and see that you can't act how you want without consequences. I think once i finally went through with it and committed to punishing you you realized that it wasn't a game and that if you are bad you will be punished."

So now to why the past few days have been hard. I guess getting used to a whole new set of rules plays some part. Not much because I admit I have been pushing to see how far I can step before a consequence is laid down. Learning to keep my temper in check seems to have arisen a great deal this week. That whole cursing thing yea. BIG FAT FAIL!

I don't remember what I was complaining about but I know I was mad. I was letting the F word fly a lot. He basically told me to cool it and it needed to stop and I could express my anger other ways but I was going against the rules and it needed to stop. That was the second warning, the other first was much more calm like "baby, calm down its OK" (I like all the little pet names I've picked up) Either way I didn't stop, well I did then something set me off and he called me out and was like thats it now your going to be punished for it. So we (he) went through our list of consequences and he choose (remember he is 100% in charge of picking and distributing punishments) 1 teaspoon of hot sauce in my mouth for three minutes. I guess enough to coat the tongue while i sit there for three minutes before I'm allowed to rinse or drink any water. Not a fan but it could be way worse. So now I have that hanging over my head until we are able to deal with it.

The stress this week has been terrible and It got so bad I broke down and asked him to just relieve if for me. We decided one way to do that would be stress relieve spankings. Just his hand doing a whole lot of talking on my butt basically until he sees I have had enough or I pull a safe word. Gonna see if that helps me because honestly I don't think its healthy to be this stressed. I have been so stressed my hair is falling out. Key reason Im stressed would be my family. I don't want to get in to personal details but I am now looking for a new place to live and a car asap. So what caused me to suck it up and asked him to spank me. Just been in a lot of stress and today topped the cake. I was coming home from dropping my sister off from work and running to the library. No mind you there is an inch of snow on the roads and I actually was going very slow. I was almost home and coming down a hill and another car was coming up it. I slid to the left right into her lane. WHAM head on collision. I was fine thankfully. I finally regained control and literally slammed on the brakes and threw the parking brake on because I was still sliding. I ran up the hill to see the other driver was ok. I mean her car was Fucked!!(used with permission), front end was all smashed in because of the plow attachment on the truck. Windshield shattered, leaking fluid, both her air bags deployed. I called my dad since I was almost home. Called 911, and texted mike. All in the matter of like 1 min. It wasn't really avoidable I couldn't stop the truck from sliding. I feel terrible! The snow wasn't expected. It just made for a terrible day and I have been very depressed because my father asked me to leave today. Hence finding a new place to live and a car asap. I also have been feeling very docile and subby and Mike can attest to a new side of me he hasn't seen before.

But while all this happened he has done a good job of gently reminding me of my role and keeping firm grasp upon my attitude and I kinda think its all sinking in. I finally got what I wanted now I need to live up to my responsibilities and accept my short falls and work on them. Biggest thing he wants me to work on is getting in good graces with my parents, I have no desire to I just want to find a new place and go. But he is right in the long run it fixes nothing and I need to try. So I have to be nice and helpful and behave. Heaven help me. I'm doing it for him though.

We also have added a rule. No texting and driving. He finds out i have or do .... Im dead. If I get the 500 dollar ticket that our state has (assuming the police catch me) Im deader.