Thursday, December 31, 2009

Taking advice

I was given some advice by Spirited on trying to figure out myself before I try and figure out the males. So the last few days I have been trying to figure it out and gosh darn it, its not easy!!

I have been so into finding a dommy type guy for the past 3 years that I haven't taken the time to find myself. I know I love serving guys. I get in the weak in the knees when guys use a tone of voice thats a little harsh. Barking orders. Maybe thats why I like my manager at work because he is a natural leader. I have very strong leadership skills as well and if you were to talk to my family and friends I don't think they would see me as the sub type.

I don't know where my attraction to those type of men came from. All I know is that their there. I have to ask myself a lot if I could even settle for a vanilla relationship? I don't know that answer. I think I could in the beginning but I would get bored very easy.

My manager and I get along well. Our head managers are starting to have us close together because we make a good team. I mean I do all the cashiering and he is able to start recovering the store. Last night there were four tills that needed counted and set up for the next day. Now I just started working there like right before thanksgiving. I offered to count my own till (which is all Im supposed to do) and the manager till that was up there for the busy moments. He agreed quickly that we could split the work load. so I did the manager till and my own. That way he wasn't there until like 2 am doing tills and I got an hour overtime in. ($$$$) We go to leave together and he was thankful for my help. *BEAMS* We still ended up talking till 2 am via txt messaging. I will see him tomorrow for a few hours but we wont be closing together.

I just really like feeling wanted ya know. I never really got that feeling with the ex because he was far away. I dont even know if its a good idea to pursue something with the work guy because we work together. I also have this mad feeling to have sex. Masturbation isnt cutting it anymore. I need filled. ya know? does anyone think Im being dumb here or what. Please I need advice.

Stacie is very confused right now

Monday, December 28, 2009

I have no Idea this is so random

I WANT FRIED PICKLES!!! Like I need to have them NOW!!! I need pickles. I have this strange craving for them and no I am not pregnant. My mother asked yesterday and the ex asked today. Can't a girl just want pickles and eat them! Goodness. My mother assures me I am not frying them. Well Guess what Yes I am cause I want them gosh darn it and Im paying for the ingredients!

On to other news. All I do is work and sleep. Work and sleep. I am ready for a break. But I need the next pay check to put down on a car. I am buying a Jeep if it kills me. So thats exciting in my book. My parents think its a waist(well at least I know my mother does) My father is out of town on business and it sucks cause lately I feel like he is the only one who listens to me.

The ex: Well Im kinda almost ready to give up on trying and turn vanilla. I want a boy friend, I want real sex. I miss it. Im kinda feeling like Im never gonna find what I want in a man. *sigh* really really depressing. Im like sick of waiting. I thought he was the guy but I dont know if I feel like that anymore. Yea I just am hanging on to nothing I feel.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Stressful christmas

Merry christmas everyone I hope you had a wonderful one!

Mine was stressful. Im gonna post about it but not sure how much because Im tired and have to work tomorrow. I got a new camera thats awesome!! I can't wait to start actually taking photos now.

Now on to why it was stressful. My mom has been an utter bitch the last week or so. My mom and I never get along for long periods of time anyway so Im not surprised plus I think she is beginning to go into met-pause (totally the wrong spelling but im tried. So no surprise there. So basically I tried to avoid her today.

My dads older brother is moving in here. So our house is gonna be a little full. Im happy about this. Kinda. First off Im being kicked out of the basement apt which Im not thrilled about but hey he would use it more than I would. I mean lately all I do is work and sleep. SO I never use the living room/dinning room/ kitchen area. So my rents gonna be cheaper. And my parents can charge him more and they do need the money badly. Now the part Im most upset about is I have to go to a twin sized bed. I know that seems kinda like dorky to be upset about but Im like 20 almost 21 and Im not a kid anymore. Im used to having a queen/full sized bed. All my sheets and such fit those sized beds. I can't have guys spend the night in a twin ( not that im supposed to anyway) I just like the room. Plus I payed for all the stuff I have in the Apt. Like the towels and shower curtain. I wont have my own bathroom now either which I dont like at all. I hate sharing a bathroom with a whole bunch of teenagers. So adjustment period. Yes I think so very much.

Now I also am looking to buy a car in 2 weeks. Why 2 weeks because I will have another pay check to put down on it which will put a nice down payment. Hopefully I am keeping my job and Hopefully with in the month of Jan I will own a car. I also learned today my dad is on my side a lot with everything. He agrees we need to get me a car asap. He also agrees about the bed thing too. which to me is shocking. My father and I don't have a wonderful relationship. He wasnt here a lot when I needed him growing up. Its good to know he is trying now and I for some reason am a lot quicker to forgive him then my mother.

So tonight I talked to my friend S.K about everything and she seemed to agree with me. I talked to the ex and he seemed strangely out of it. Idk what his problem is. Im way to tired to explain. Then again we only talked online so maybe im reading to much in to it.

im gonna crash. Goodnight all

Ps. I know I have some followers and this blog is new but I could really use some encouragement and comments so please leave me some

much love,

Thursday, December 24, 2009

*Sighs happy sigh*

Oh Happppppppy Sigh!!! I cannot explain it to you...ok ok I'll try :D

Lets see where to begin: Worked last night. not a terrible shift just super busy. I was kinda excited cause I was working with the manager who likes me. But he was in a weird mood so I kinda just let him be. I finished counting my till. He (the manager) asked me to do the trash (gross but I didn't care) then I was asked to take all the hangers back. 6 freaking heavy boxes of hangers like a million hangers. Everyone else had gone home except the cashiers, so it didn't feel fair.(plus my mom was waiting) So I did the trash and walked back and was like "can I please go home" I did the trash and Im tired. Everyone else went home." his answer which made me feel terrible was "Umm well it wasn't what I asked but go home" I felt like 2 inches tall. I mean that was kinda like a dom answer. *blush*

But on to goodish news. Ex seems like we are making great strides to being back together. I made the comment that I didn't want to go to work ( on friday) and his comment was "If your breathing, and your not dying your going!!!" Oh happy sigh.I was so happy I think I confused him, cause I was like oh we're back at that YAY!! He was like WTF you want me to be your Dom and your happy that Im making you do something. So I explained I was happy that he was taking that control again. Very happy!!! So last night while I was counting up my till I txted him and was like well I went to work and I was a good girl and didn't even whine. his only response. " Thats what I expect to hear" *melt* He is just about back!!!

So I worked today and it F'ing dragged. It was the longest 8 hour shift ever. But Im happy cause Im off tomorrow and I got payed today. I opened my check and was like OMFG. The store manager BJ was like um something wrong. All I could say was um close to 700 dollars amazing. He just smiled and was like you were here a lot and earned every penny. Its nice to know I have a little extra money. So I can pay bills and really set some money away for my new/used car. Oh and buy a new bed. Yea long story but I need a new one cause I am not going back to a twin *pout stomp stomp POUT*

Tomorrow is christmas and its gonna be a white one :D and its pretty and nice and OK it really doesn't feel like christmas to me. It seems like way to early for it to be christmas.

Random fact I wanna go get my nails done

Merry Christmas folks

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Christmas Time

Today I did nothing. Which is wonderful! I slept till like 11 which was Fucking wonderful and all warm and cozy under the blankets. I defiantly wasn't rushing to get out of. I do miss feeling someone next to me though, and the cat doesn't count! Looks like Im going to have to buy a new car though which kinda sucks. I just went through the whole process earlier this year. Like in September. I put my entire first pay check, and all my birthday money towards that car and it only got me 3 months. ERGH!!! I wish I could find the guy who hit me so I could sue his ass into buying me a new car then I would get the yellow Jeep Wrangler I need. But Alas right now Im stuck looking around for a new car. Now the debate is what is affordable and can meet my needs. Id like it to have 4WD because of the impending snow we are supposed to get a lot this winter. YUCKY!!! I like summer so much better. Which a jeep would be cool cause I could go topless in the summer and not get arrested. HEHE!! I know its a lame joke. I would even do a truck but I prefer a SUV like car. I don't like car shopping. Its expensive, boring and I have no idea what Im looking for. I just know what I want and what I want I can't afford. ERGH NESS!!!!

ex and I have been talking a bit today maybe clearing some things up. Which feels so good. I feel like when we have these days Im making progress towards my goal of us being together. Im kinda tired of hearing bout the ex tho. She comes up a lot lately. Then he mentioned he found some of her toys in storage. She really screwed him over yet he still is friends with her. I understand they were together for a long and they have the same friends and what not but I dont like it. I kinda just want him to have eyes on me. Just want me ect. ergh I was bout to go somewhere with this but I got distracted.

Yea so I need to get laid so bad. I need sex. I need rough passionate sex. Masturbating used to work but now its kinda like um no. All I can think of is wanting to be tied up or cuffed up and taken anyway he wants. I hate anal and guess what I would totally go for anal right now. I just wanna cum :(

Edit: oh yea so I remember why I titled the post christmas time. Well its cause I got my tree up today. My parents went to see the a christmas show so my brother and I stayed home an put up our tree since my parents seem to be lacking in the get it together. So we put the tree up, which I am very proud of. I love the theme and its gorgeous. I also took picture of all the lights out side in our yard today. I am including this pictures for you to enjoy.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Random thoughts

This post is pretty much random stuff sorry to any readers who want to "listen" to me ramble

Week of christmas and work is crazy!!! I got there at 6:50 something this morning. And we opened at 7. Had to have our daily meeting while I chugged liquid energy in a cup. Then I got to hear all the
to do lists
. Seriously Um Gonna call him K for short here. Um its Christmas week. I don't know how you expect 2+ pages of notes to get done today and everything but... ok ok I never said this but I defiantly wanted to. I don't know what he was thinking. So I managed to get 1 thing.... one stinking thing done on that list before we got SLAMMED!!! Im talking 8 hours of none stop lines and I worked maybe 9, or 10 hours and didn't even have time for a break. It was INSANE! Glad I'm off tomorrow.

Now how am I supposed to fix things with my ex who I want back...I think. I mean he makes a wonderful boyfriend and he was a natural at the whole Dom/sub thing. I pushed a lot to hard and got my nose cut off in spite my face so he ended it, I do have the opportunity to fix what I did and work on rebuilding trust I demolished. Honestly without boring details I can say our relationship had huge break down in communication and we both realized this.So we are basically starting from the ground and building up. Now the next part adds another huge hurdle. Long distance. Try 4 or 5 hours distance. Only he has a car right now because mine was totaled and I don't have the money for a new one. So now your filled in on that.

Why do I say I think I want him back. Well because I question sometimes whether this is worth it in the end or am I going to end up hurt. I think one of the leads at work likes me. I don't know if its just for sex or if its like a relationship. Plus I get all embarrassed when I try to explain that I want the Dom/Sub stuff. Its so silly. But I cant come out and just say it. 'Ya know!?!?! I get to play that waiting game now which I hate. I swear Im annoying my ex by being like well are things better yet? Am I doing things right yet? ect. He says Im not which in itself is a relieve but I just want to know whats going on in his head. *sigh* Its kinda funny how I still in my head go by the rules we had in our relationship. Like there a comfort zone and I don't want to leave them. I know I get annoyed when one of my parents asks me to check in ( I currently am living at home due to financial trouble) but I think to myself " Your not the one I'm supposed to be answering to"

I really miss my sub self and my Dom.
So hopefully things fix themselves soon or things become clear on what to do.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

My very first post!

Ok where to begin. I am Stacie which isn't my real name but It will have to do for this blog. I started this blog to kinda just vent and try and search for answers to my questions ect.

I am a submissive. I currently don't have a dom or a master. My boyfriend and I broke up do to some issues. We are working on deciding whether we want to continue which I think we both do. I really miss our relationship we used to have. Even though I can be a total brat. I do miss the accountability that the relationship brought.

I guess you guys would want to know how I got into the Dom/sub stuff. Well I don't know really. I know what an answer. For some reason I always was drawn to spanking. I guess it slowly evolved into what has become today. Which I would classify as the need to serve and take care of a man who has control over me. Sorry if it isn't clear. I really am using the blog to try and straighten things out in my brain.

So basically thats it. I will post more later. I have to work a long 9 hour shift tomorrow at a big chain sports shop. The weather sucks with a whole lot of snow which was dumped all over my state. So getting to work is going to be a blast *sarcasm* Probably super busy to. Have I ever mentioned I hate working retail. Um I don't think I have but I do!!! people are mean when I'm just trying to do my job!

I think I'll leave it there for the night.
Stacy <3