Challenges

Alright where to begin. Last couple of days have been rough on me especially. Lots of emotional stuff with my parents. I wanted to say thank you a lot to Mike who honestly I thought would have run for the hills by now. But he has stuck by offering support as much as he possibly can and some good advice. Thanks baby!

He wrote up a review of my behavior and I think we are going to include those weekly from now on.

"id say that over the last couple of days your behavior has been better, early on you were really bratty and pushing boundaries with your attitude. After today you seem to get it and see that you can't act how you want without consequences. I think once i finally went through with it and committed to punishing you you realized that it wasn't a game and that if you are bad you will be punished."

So now to why the past few days have been hard. I guess getting used to a whole new set of rules plays some part. Not much because I admit I have been pushing to see how far I can step before a consequence is laid down. Learning to keep my temper in check seems to have arisen a great deal this week. That whole cursing thing yea. BIG FAT FAIL!

I don't remember what I was complaining about but I know I was mad. I was letting the F word fly a lot. He basically told me to cool it and it needed to stop and I could express my anger other ways but I was going against the rules and it needed to stop. That was the second warning, the other first was much more calm like "baby, calm down its OK" (I like all the little pet names I've picked up) Either way I didn't stop, well I did then something set me off and he called me out and was like thats it now your going to be punished for it. So we (he) went through our list of consequences and he choose (remember he is 100% in charge of picking and distributing punishments) 1 teaspoon of hot sauce in my mouth for three minutes. I guess enough to coat the tongue while i sit there for three minutes before I'm allowed to rinse or drink any water. Not a fan but it could be way worse. So now I have that hanging over my head until we are able to deal with it.

The stress this week has been terrible and It got so bad I broke down and asked him to just relieve if for me. We decided one way to do that would be stress relieve spankings. Just his hand doing a whole lot of talking on my butt basically until he sees I have had enough or I pull a safe word. Gonna see if that helps me because honestly I don't think its healthy to be this stressed. I have been so stressed my hair is falling out. Key reason Im stressed would be my family. I don't want to get in to personal details but I am now looking for a new place to live and a car asap. So what caused me to suck it up and asked him to spank me. Just been in a lot of stress and today topped the cake. I was coming home from dropping my sister off from work and running to the library. No mind you there is an inch of snow on the roads and I actually was going very slow. I was almost home and coming down a hill and another car was coming up it. I slid to the left right into her lane. WHAM head on collision. I was fine thankfully. I finally regained control and literally slammed on the brakes and threw the parking brake on because I was still sliding. I ran up the hill to see the other driver was ok. I mean her car was Fucked!!(used with permission), front end was all smashed in because of the plow attachment on the truck. Windshield shattered, leaking fluid, both her air bags deployed. I called my dad since I was almost home. Called 911, and texted mike. All in the matter of like 1 min. It wasn't really avoidable I couldn't stop the truck from sliding. I feel terrible! The snow wasn't expected. It just made for a terrible day and I have been very depressed because my father asked me to leave today. Hence finding a new place to live and a car asap. I also have been feeling very docile and subby and Mike can attest to a new side of me he hasn't seen before.

But while all this happened he has done a good job of gently reminding me of my role and keeping firm grasp upon my attitude and I kinda think its all sinking in. I finally got what I wanted now I need to live up to my responsibilities and accept my short falls and work on them. Biggest thing he wants me to work on is getting in good graces with my parents, I have no desire to I just want to find a new place and go. But he is right in the long run it fixes nothing and I need to try. So I have to be nice and helpful and behave. Heaven help me. I'm doing it for him though.

We also have added a rule. No texting and driving. He finds out i have or do .... Im dead. If I get the 500 dollar ticket that our state has (assuming the police catch me) Im deader.

Thin ice

You know when it first gets cold and ponds freeze over ever so slightly its like see through paper. Super fragile and defiantly not stable enough to support a flea. Yea well that's about what I'm standing on before I get my butt roasted for the first time in a long long time.

So yea in case you hadn't seen then previous post. I did manage to get myself in trouble. I took my attitude from my family an unleashed it on him. I was whiny and pouty all weekend and used being sick as an excuse. I'm honestly surprised it took till Sunday night and I didn't get in trouble sooner. Saturday in my opinion was way worse. I knew when I was jumping into this that it was something I wanted to work on and he had agreed to help.So props to Mike for taking on the challenge of a life time and having no coach through out this journey telling him wax on wax off. I'm sorry for the lame jokes its 1:15 am and I'm getting tired. He decided to give me one more chance. Which I'm forever grateful. I have tired to keep my attitude in check but I'm not sure I really succeed today though. More on that later.

The last 2 days have been feeling the waters I suppose. Laying down the law I guess we could call it. Feeling out rules that would be good for us as a couple. Practical in our everyday lives, nothing extreme, but still enough its going to take getting used to. Nothings been pushed on me its all been agreed on. (I'm beginning to think this post is gonna be so long)Basically our rules are as follows and they all have consequences and as I found out last night spanking wont be the only one.

Rules:

• No cursing
• No lying will be tolerated, ever
• Attitude needs to be in check (I don't know how to word this, Mike help)
• A set limit will be decided before hand if I want to go shopping I need to stick to that limit and if I need to go over that limit I have to get permission first ($180 shoes apparently don't get the go head trust me I tried but more on that later)
• (I'm totally guessing on this one) Seek permission if I want to do something, ie go for coffee. ( I have so far only because in my book it shows respect)
• Respect others

I think that pretty much covers them. I'm sure if I missed something he will add it in when he comments tomorrow/today um whenever.

Consequences: Are 100% for him to decide, I get no say.

• Spankings, Right now using just hand, brush and a belt. I'm sure we don't need to add anymore.
• Groundings, Lose of privileges such as phone, Internet :(, going out.
• Lines , repeatedly writing sentences anywhere from 50 to 500. Either to give to when I see him or to do when with him. When with him they have to be done sitting on the floor facing away from the TV, I can't do anything till there done either. Plus my phone will be taken away so it isn't an added distraction. (could be added with another punishment or a punishment within itself)
• Corner time, given after spankings as a time out and time of reflection. No rubbing allowed.
• Washing my mouth out (cursing), could also included having hot pepper or Tabasco sauce placed on my tongue. Possibly made to eat a Jalapeno pepper.

Now today My friend from facebook showed me these BeBe shoes. OMG I was having shoe orgasms. I was very much in heaven. I mentioned them to Mike and he asked how much. Now since these shoes are a name brand and Im a label whore to me putting down anywhere from 100 to 200 on a hot pair of heels doesn't bother me. He quickly flat out said no absolutely not. You think me being on thin ice wouldn't push. I got slightly whiny. He was very good about it though and warned me I needed to stop. I did but when I was at work I brought it up again. Ok I admit in my mind I figured if I whined enough he get sick of it and give in and be like "whatever its your money spend it how you want" I got not even close to that. I got "...So toy have been whiney all day and I should have taken care of it earlier...(i think i quickly texted i wasn't whining)... and continue to do it. Im leaving work so we can discuss this when I get home dear." Yea so crap and a half. That isn't the fine whatever answer I was hopping for. Basically he is at his whits end with the attitude and being very gracious I have to make it 24 hours (less then that now) No attitude. Hang on I want to find his exact words. Gosh I love IMing. "so i think its a good compromise, for all the chances ive given, you stay on a zero tolerence policy for another day" Basically I cant screw up at all tomorrow. Bite my tongue and lots of yes sirs/ no sirs. I honestly don't know if I can make it but Im going to try. I know we both are sick of the attitudes and If I knew how to make them stop I would but I don't so its his job to see that they do.

On that note I add a picture of the shoes that make me go OMG and almost would be worth getting in trouble for.

Arn't they BEAUTIFUL!!! I think I would wear them and just stare at how cute my feet looked in them. *Sigh*

New beginnings

Well so then I was told I have to bring some key points up in this post and that I have to clean my room by 4pm tomorrow...I think if I start now It might be close to being done by 4 tomorrow.

Well from the previous run on sentence, can you tell I know have a new Dom. mmmhmm I is very happy. Very happy is me. :)

Our short little relationship has been fun, and I exactly what I want. We had a conversation about it yesterday on how it would be nice because we could be ourselves with each other and not have to hide one part of ourself. So slowly we are going into this. I think its pretty much come natural thus far. (Any thoughts babe? since I know your reading this.)

Pretty much rules come up as they go. Guys he actually thinks his rules out so there arn't loop holes. How lame is that. How else am I supposed to find away around them?? If you got ideas please share them.

So fair though really haven't been issues. Ok maybe one tiny one. I swear!! Ok its probably gonna be one of our main issues and I was upfront about it and Im pretty sure he guessed it. But its my attitude/respect (him along with others) surprise surprise. Saturday apparently I took my attitude with my mother and sister and it carried over to him. I will admit he gave plenty of warning subtle and not. So I guess I really didn't have a reason to be all pissy with him. So I do apologize for that again. So now I'm on thin ice he said and attitude wont be tolerated at all. Point blank. Almost got myself in trouble at work today cause I was whining a lot. (Ok I admit it, it was a lot of whining.) And to clarify thats with him not anyone at work, we txt a lot. YAY unlimited texting. One day I will have to tell y'all bout my $1000 dollar cell bill. He has been very patient with me. I will admit he has given me more chances then I deserve. I wont even make excuses *coughimsickcough*

Ok now I have to address embarrassing part. He says if my attitude continues then Im getting punished. Punishments from him which we discussed and I guess they could be worse are pretty much spankings and groundings or both if your really dead. Groundings I most likely would hate a heck of a lot more because I would go insane. especially if he was to take away like my computer privileges. Cause I luvs my computer. We are like BFFS!!! But for the attitude Im told Im gonna be spanked and not gonna like it one bit. Then shoved in the damn corner.I hate corners there dumb and boring and smell funny. Spiders normally preside there ICK!

~stacie

PS: Oh yea so on the plus side we are betting in the Superbowl. Loser has to take a spanking. Two words. GO SAINTS!! Im calling it now Colts vs. Saints. Saints win. Just gotta get past this over time game and his precious Vikings and there old ass quarter back can go away

PPS: He wont let me go to the mall tomorrow cause my rooms not clean *pout* and it has to be done like I said before by 4 and it has to be done right which means no shoving it in the closet. So now I cant go shopping.

PPS: SAINTS WIN!!! IN OVER TIME! 2 WEEKS ITS SUPERBOWL SUNDAY AND MY SAINTS ARE GONNA BEAT SOME COLTS ASS!!! oh yea babes happy birthday 2 weeks early.

Bitterness!

Lately I have noticed how bitter and angry towards my mother. I cant even really come up with a reason on why Im bitter I just know I hate her with a passion. Its pretty sad I have no desire to have a relationship with her whatsoever. If I had my way I wouldnt live here and I wouldnt ever talk to her again. I really only want to build a relationship with my father. I don't know why I have this bitterness but I dont like it how it makes me feel like an ass. I will admit that I wake up with an attitude towards her and it remains throughout the day. Anything she says I take sarcastically and to heart. I dont like that she in a round about way makes fun of me or the way I dress. saying my pants are to tight or stuff. Maybe I wear them tight because I like them tight, did that thought ever cross your mind, or maybe I like showing my cleavage off. I was blessed with boobs so dont be haten that i have them and you dont.

She adds to my stress level enough that she drives me to smoke a cigarette. Its pretty bad. Then she wonders why I smoke. Hmmm Support would be nice from her once in awhile. I dont care if you dont like what Im doing with my life, maybe if I had some support it be different.

Whatever.





I know this was totally random I just needed to vent

At the cross roads

So Im excited to say I have learned I have 2 readers!!!

In other news Im sick as a dog. I have the worstest cold ever. Ok maybe not worstest cold every. Just It seriously sucks. Im all congested and can't breathe. I feel like a fish out of water. Gasping for air. Im sucking water down too. Not any fun. But Im pushing myself to go out tonight, because I desperately needing to see this friend. We have a lot to discuss. I want to move badly down south, kinda in haste made that declaration and she wants to talk about it plus something about her ex boy friend getting another girl pregnant. I know, hot juicy stuff right. So were going to the store and getting dinner. Nothing exciting. I already know Im calling out of work sick tomorrow because I was supposed to go drinking with some friends but I don't even feel well enough to do that yet.

Remember I said I met someone on fetlife. Well if i didn't I know have. He seems like a great guy, funny yet can be serious when needed. Caring all the important things. We will see though, Im done with rushing relationships. He to would like to take it slow. Plus Im not jumping into meeting someone i met online. Ect. I mean we have fun when we IM each other but thats about it. As far as we have taken the relationship. I know we both are hesitant so thats a good thing in its own way.

I haven't heard from the other guy so Im going to say that its not gonna happen plus I like that the other guy is local.

Now about my statement about moving. Im getting so annoyed with my parents Im ready for a change. I want to basically start over again. So I called a friend down south who I planned on visiting anyway in April and was like look if I come down I doubt I will be coming back home. So now its a toss up. Do I stay here an peruse a relationship or do I start my life over. Its truly a cross roads moment

Due for an update

So I think after a week I should update you guys. Even though Im pretty sure Spirited is the only one reading thing.

Anyway I joined Fet life due to a friends suggestion and met this guy last night. I think we mesh well. We were joking last night that we hadn't grown annoyed of the other yet. We talked from 10 pm to like 430 am. It was a nice conversation and I hope we continue to talk.

Also talking with an old Dom of mine and he would like something to happen between us but im taking it slow.

I basically decided that Im gonna find someone who makes me happy in both the Dom/sub/Master/slave stuff as well as the BF/GF dept.

I'll eventually find someone. Also Im thinking of moving south because Im done with the state im in now. Also so done with parents.

Yep that sums up the last week or so. Im headed to work for a few and I plan on writing an in depth post later tonight.

Behave ya'll

Split personalities?

In trying to find myself I have come across different sides of myself and I can't seem to choose which one and which path to take. It all seems so hazy. I just feel like I need to choose one and stick with it but then again they depend on things. So Im here at like a cross roads and because I don't have certain things I can't move on. Its like a video game or something. So I will make it like a game show and my readers can maybe help me decide which "door to choose"

*announcer*
Behind door number one we have * doors open* "Stacy the sub/slave" With a Master/Dom who keeps her centered and focused on him. Keeping her settled and yet still having a fun time with her. Being both a wonderful boyfriend/ husband while meeting her desire as a Dom/Master.

Door 2~ Would be the door where I got along with my parents. I drive an awesome truck or jeep. I have a wonderful devoted boyfriend whom Im going to marry. My life is finally on a track it should be. but I have none of the kink because I am to scared to admit it to the one I love because I am afraid he will think Im a freak

( I must admit this is really hard to actually write out)

This is why I like the Dom stuff cause I never had to make these decisions he always did. Im scared shitless
im going to go cry more

Cha Ching

We got the car fixed today...... My paycheck I received yesterday well its nearly gone. I put 400 into a friends car. I now am broke. No money to put towards a new car. Depressing. my wallet hurts. lets add all this up shall we

Tow truck~ 138
new tire and rim ~ 100
Rotor ~ 38
lug nuts~ 2
some screwy thing ~ 4
oil~ idk
somehow owed my uncle 120

that = EXPENSIVE

Near Death Experience

Have I mentioned that I hate cars!!! Or maybe they hate me!! Anyway I was driving to go pick up a friend who is home on winter break. I was very excited to get to see her so I got the music going and Im singing along and Im almost there. Then it happens *Insert Dramatic music here* The wheel to the car falls off AND PASSES ME!!!! By some higher power I was able to get the car to the side of the road (well the bottom of a drive way because get this on the road I was on there is no side of the road). Im like OH HOLY MOther fucker. ect. I call my mom ask her to pick me up. Now i dont remember if I told you but Im borrowing a friends car this week. Yea it was his car. The car really must hate me, because two days ago it had to be jumped. yea the battery died. It was tuesday, I was trying to leave work early because I was about to barf everywhere. So I went out to start it and all it did was make clicking noises. FOR SERIOUS!?!? So my last few days with cars suck. I now have to buy the following. A new tire, A rotor, a rim, lug nuts and more things. Oh yea and i have to pay the towing bill. There goes that pay check. So guess what. I HATE CARS but now need to find my own because I just found out my father is selling the truck he was going to let me use. Screw this! I should buy a damn horse

Well I don't even know anymore. Im so confused. I miss him a lot even though he cheated on me. Maybe I don't miss him so much as I do the relationship dynamic. I spent yesterday and today reading a lot of our old emails and IM conversations. I also folded and sent him an IM today saying " I miss our freaking relationship" to which I got no response. I guess its truly over and I feel like he has wanted it for awhile but wasn't man enough to end it so he let it fade. Now I miss the companionship. I haven't talked to my manager in a few days either, I don't know what is up with that since we used to text a lot. Im lonely. I miss snuggling after being punished and knowing I was forgiven . I seriously miss the accountability. I miss freaking having a boy friend.
Right now I don't even care if its Dom/sub or vanilla :( I hate feeling like this. So empty

Short but sweet

Well the Ex and I will never ever be happening. Why do you ask? Well first lets say I have been waiting awhile for a clear answer on what I should do. Well it came last night in the form of an AIM conversation. I found out him and my friend whom introduced us were no longer talking and I wanted to know why so here is the following conversation ( i dont have the actual conversation so I will see what I remember)

*after asking why they weren't talking*
Him: Because I got annoyed with her. because she was flirting with me but not following through, everytime she wasn't with Will.

Me: where u flirting back

Him: So I told her I was keeping my distance cause I couldn't trust her.

Me: well were you

Him: Yes

Me: Even when we were considered together? and when you knew I was trying to get you back. AND she knew it too?

Him: Yes

Me: Oh ( i then signed off and dont really want to talk to either of them again)

new year

2010! Funny ring to it. Im almost determined to make this year a good one even though its had a crappy crappy start. Being a whole three days (almost four) doesn't leave me much hope though.

On the relationship front: Ex and I have spoken on Aim shortly for the last few days. I got him to add up all my hours for me. and roughly figure out how much my check will be. He even deducted the taxes for me. I WUVS his math skills. Its funny. We aren't necessarily in a relationship but I find myself living by the rules we once had when I talk to him. Now for the manager guy. I for some reason think he is mad at me or something cause at work today he was in a really shitty mood. I stayed away from him as much as possible and didn't even try and flirt. I got all pretty for nothing. And Im still horny as ever.

I decided I only like my dad in my family. Well my uncle and my dad. I will never apparently get along with my mom. I just can't. I don't even try anymore. Im like a walking attitude with her anymore. Im so ready to buy a car and rent an apartment so I can have boys over and be me.

I cant be me with my parents watching my every move.

When will it all become clear on what to do :( Everything is all hazy

Hazy stacie