A Confused Sub

prayers requested

2011-06-13T07:13:00.002-04:00

I know I haven't posted in forever. Good reasons. Lots of crazy stuff happening. we need prayer. I hope to have stuff and good news to update you later

in a funk

2011-04-05T13:36:00.001-04:00

Lately I have been in a such a funk. Everything makes me wanna cry or throw something cause I'm angry. It's to early for my period so it can't be pms. I don't know what's wrong or how to fix it. I mean even hard spankings arnt working. I feel like I'm just gonna ask him to spank me past my limits tonight before he goes to work. I seriously need it. Ugh I just wanna be my happy pleasant self again

glimmer of hope....

2011-03-21T14:10:00.002-04:00

After lots of tears it seems from that last post where I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for hours in the dark, and wrote that post. Things seem to have gotten slightly better. I'm scared to jump in and say that because I feel like every time I do we end up back at square one. So with baited breathe right now things are better. He has been taking his dom role what seems to be more serious. Even spending more time with me, or at least making an effort. Now if I could just get his work to back off a little life would be good. Prayers would be appreciative so he wouldn't have to go back to working the desk and his schedule would be the same everyday. Pray they keep him in the production shop.

So we have been communicating our needs toward eachother a lot better and I can see a huge change. When I said he is taking his dom role more seriously I truly ment it. Today for instance. I can admit to being a brat and frustrated this weekend ( we were supposed to go car shopping but they called him into work) I seriously can not wait to get a new car. Having one car is beginning to get old. However he can't tell the navy no so I got stuck at home while he worked. Just was very disappointed. Then yesterday i just had an attitude i couldn't shake which seemed to continue into today. I was again frustrated that he has to work this up coming weekend as well. So when I get frustrated I pinch or hit. So I went at it. He stopped me numerous times and finally said do it again and its 20 with the bathbrush. I of course took the dare and next thing I knew I got flipped over and got some nice wacks with the bathbrush over my jeans. I wish I would have stopped there. I got up more pissed off and stormed out of the room. He followed me and was talking and I took one huge swing at his Arm, which of course landed me more swats and I just kept pushing till he had added up 75 by the time I got home. Now 75 is a lot for me to take with that thing while trying to remain still. So I ran to him sorta pouting and he was " sorry but I earned them" so he gave them to me quick before work. My ass still hurts but I do feel like my attitude is a lot better. Now I just want cuddles :(

wish you understood

2011-02-27T00:49:00.003-05:00

(Letter to my husband that he will never read)

I wish you understood that I'm hurt that you spend 90% of your free time playing video games
I wish you understood that your my best friend
I wish you understood that making friends is hard for me when I know I'm gonna turn around and leave eventually
I wish you understood that I need to go home. It's what makes me keep my sanity
I wish you understood that I feel like your shutting me out
I wish you understood that I need to be held and resured
I wish you understood that I feel like our marriage is falling apart
I wish you understand that I need beat more
I wish you understand that the reason I act up/ out is its the only way I get attention
I wish you understand that when I try to explain any of this to you, you saying dork means to me you don't care
I wish you would understand that I love you
I wish you would just understand that I want sex and need sex and not having sex can't be healthy.
I wish you could understand the restraint I'm using from walking out and just leaving for the weekend.
I wish you understood the restraint I'm using from not throwing the computer monitor out the window and ripping the internet out of the wall.
I wish you would seriously sit down and talk to me about this. It isn't my job to fix I told you what was wrong now please come up with a solution
I wish you understood I'm sick of being the only one trying

I dont normally do this but....

2011-02-24T10:29:00.003-05:00

This is something coming up that I dread. My husband deploying, It may not happen for another year but I still cry thinking about it and cant wait till he comes home

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkGzqpGx1KU

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GSTKoKjJ5XA&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkGzqpGx1KU

I cry every time cause its something I know my kids and I will have to go through

unexpected weekend fun.

2011-02-21T09:17:00.002-05:00

This weekends was a flipping blast. Spent Saturday shopping around the mall and IKEA with my husband. Bought him a new desk for the office and rearranged the furniture in there so I could spend more time with him. So now I have my own desk and chair and a twin sized bed to hang out on the office so I can be chilling in there with him.

Sunday I surprised him by inviting one of his old play partners down for dinner and drinks. A few shots and some liquid courage and permissions from her Master we both got beat. Then I got a lesson in spanking her. And gave her some pretty marks. Then out came the vibrators. She got all the fun. At least six orgasms. If I wasn't broken I would have been thrilled and gotten some too. It was a very hot scene taking place on my living room floor. I defiantly enjoyed dominating another girl. My husband seemed to enjoy watching it and encouraging it. Hope we get to do it again soon. Look for pictures on either mine or my husbands fetlife accounts.

My fetlife user name is: ditzilittlegirl89 and you can access his from mine.

fuck fuck fuck

2011-02-18T14:56:00.002-05:00

There will be a lot of cursing in this post so beware. That being said.

I FUCKING HATE THE NAVY!!!! I HATE THAT THEY CAN'T MAKE UP THERE GOD DAMN MINDS AND FUCKING KEEP CHANGING THINGS AROUND WHEN THEY WANT TO NOT BEING CONSIDERATE OF THE PEOPLE THEY ARE IN COMMAND OF AND THEIR FAMILIES. JUST CAUSE IT WONT AFFECT THEM IT'S OK TO FUCK WITH THE YOUNGER GUYS. PROMISING THEM ONE THING THEN DOING THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE. GO FUCK YOURSELF AND JUMP OFF A BRIDGE. MY HUSBAND HAS SERVED HIS TIME ON THE DESK AND TO FINALLY BE REWARDED WITH WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A NORMAL SCHEDULE. A TWELVE HOUR SHIFT EVERYDAY AND THEN INCREASING THE WORK LOAD ISN'T A NORMAL SCHEDULE. HE WONT EVER BE HOME. I WAS FINALLY GONNA HAVE TIME TO WORK ON OUR RELATIONSHIP BOTH NORMAL AND KINK. FUCK YOU YOU BASTARDS. WHY NOT JUST SHIP HIM OFF EARLY AND KEEP HIM. YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T CARE THAT IT'S EFFECTING OUR RELATIONSHIP. AND THEN YOU WONDER WHY THE DIVORCE RATE IN THE MILITARY IS HIGH. YOU DON'T GIVE ANYONE A CHANCE TO GET SETTLED. WELL MR NAVY OFFICER I HOPE YOU GET PUNCHED IN THE FACE. FUCK YOU!!!

sunshine makes my world go round

2011-02-17T16:01:00.002-05:00

So its 50 or 60 degrees of pure sunny warmness outside. I'm in love and enjoying the sunshine as much as possible, cause with my luck it will snow next week. Anyway I went and got two pairs of shorts today. Ahhh sun. Makes life so much better. Now that drew is biking the 8 miles to work in this weather it seems to put us both in great moods. His new schedule started this week. It seems to be working out well. He gets home plays video games till I get home and then spends a few hours with me before I crash and go to bed. Although last night I went to bed almost as soon as I walked in the door. I had a killer migrane.

Wedding plans are coming along nicely. It had to be pushed back a few months cause of his parents not being able to make it out that week. His dad almost refused to come which pissed me off. I mean he didn't obviously come to our court house wedding. We are half doing this for them. Either way he can't complain we don't have the money cause its my trust fund I'm using to pay for it. Luckily he changed his mind. So I'm looking at having a beautiful fall wedding at a vineyard. Fingers crossed they have a weekend available.

weddings & kink

2011-01-24T08:06:00.001-05:00

Life in the last few weeks has taken some amazing turns of events and I hope by speaking about them it doesn't mess them up. Even though Drew and I are already married. I am in the process of planning our wedding which is extremely exciting! I seriously love weddings and to actually get to plan mine finally is extremely exciting. It won't be the lavish affair I had once hoped for however its gonna be one kick ass party.*fingers crossed.* I plan to do a lot of the stuff myself, like make my own veil, do all the flowers myself, all the center pieces myself. Trying to cut cost as much as possible. I'm going dress shopping soon with my sister who is a bridesmaid and my best friend/ maid of honor along with my mom which has me pretty excited.
Talked to drew last night about our kink level and how it felt very blah and ordinary. We seem to live a very vinalla lifestyle and its not something we can necessarly help. I mean fingers crossed he gets taken off the desk at work and he will get a basic nine to five job. Even in the military those seem hard to come by. Fingers crossed. This would mean we actually could go to sleep together every night. And there wouldn't be the two weeks I barely see him a month. Hopefully it would aid in our kink getting back on track!!! I do love him just miss the kinky us

sitting in the Er

2011-01-17T17:29:00.002-05:00

Well I'm bored sitting in the military ER cause Andrew is sick, I don't mean cold sick, I mean flu sick. So I thought I do an update from my phone so we shall see how this goes.
I'm really frustrated, because there is nothing going on with Drew as far as dom sub stuff or even sex. I haven't had sex in weeks. Anyone else have this problem? Anyone have a solution?
Let's see I saw Dave on Fri and got a nice spanking/ beating. I has pretty bruises!! I'll upload a picture tonight. He was supposed to come down today but couldn't make it. Which ended being a good thing. I do miss him and wish we could spend more time together cause we just click really well. And I love when he calls me baby and stuff like that. Anytime I get a txt from him or a call. My face defiantly lights up.:)
I haven't seen mike and since I can't see him nothing much more going on there. I do miss him. I defiantly have a very strong Dom/sub relationship with him. I just feel really connected to him. And not seeing him makes me miss him all the more. Hopefully ill see him soon. Well that's it for now. I'm sitting in the hospital room with my husband

Playing catch up

2011-01-09T17:03:00.002-05:00

Well since I suck at posting... and its a new year I shall attempt at posting

We recently returned to the east coast since being in Washington state for two weeks to visit his family and friends. I used all my vacation days and he used all his leave time up. It was beautiful. I am in love with that place as much as I am my home town. It really has become a second home to me and I really pray we get stationed there in 18 months. 18 months isnt long yet seems so far away.

On the kink front!

I still see Dave regularly and he makes me smile like crazy. Get a text from him and its instant smiles. I have pictures on fetlife of our last session which took me two weeks to heal from. I couldnt ask for a better second dom or play partner

My husband and I are slowly working on our DD relationship. It hasn't taken off much as I expected. I do love him with all my heart. I never thought I would fall this in love with someone. He is my world. We have our ups and downs but I wouldn't want to go through it with anyone else. I loves him
I also have started seeing Mike. He is a great disciplinarian. Just wish I could see him more often. Our work schedules don't really allow for it.

Not much really going on besides that. I need to get to unpacking and undecorating now. I hope to be posting a lot more now

Three doms one me....

2010-11-15T13:58:00.003-05:00

Well I don't even know where to begin with this post. Mike and I finally had a session together after almost a year of planning and talking we finally did it. It was nice and I have allowed him to take that roll for me of being dominate. I need it

My husband I have asked to take a much greater roll in this cause I feel as it is his place. He owns me. He has his henchmen so to speak punish me. I don't know. It works for us

I also still see Dave on occasion and well I saw him Friday night, it wasn't a fun session like I normally get it was strictly punishment/ an attitude adjustment I had asked for a few weeks before. I had no idea what was coming. I was literly sick to my stomach. I finally met him in our spot and waited till he arrived.

We spent some time talking and just reevaluating why I have him still around if I now have three tops or doms. Only thing I can say he has been like a brother. Taking no bull shit or anything from me. He has been such a rock in the last five months when my life was going up and down hill. It still seems to be on a roller coaster but right now it is slowing down. It was nice to be able to talk things out and not get in trouble for them. I even wrote him a letter just letting him know how much I appreciated his help in the last few months but I think the rules I have with him are not clearly outlined. So we worked on that

When it came time for the spanking to start. I was fully willing to submit to it cause I knew I deserved it to a degree. I crawled across his lap in his car. A position I am very used to and comfortable in. It is my happy place. He began over my jeans like always, lecturing and spanking quite firmly. I can happily boast I can take beatings and never cry. Except this time. Two minutes into it I started sobbing. Snotty nose, swollen eyes sobbing. He did a few belt swats over my jeans then they came down then out came the hair brush. Still crying he didn't do it hard at all. I left with a red ass from him. Normally I leave with blisters and black bruises. So it was weird.

He held me for awhile telling me he wasn't mad till I calmed down enough to drive home. I left and went home to spend sometime with my family. I can honestly say I feel like I am losing my position with him and it is a weird depressing feeling. But at the same time I feel like i have a fresh start with mike. Le sigh not sure whats gonna come of this. I shall keep my readers updated

age player?

2010-11-06T11:48:00.003-04:00

OK. So this blog posting as been floating around in my head for sometime. It relates to age play. My husband says I am a closet age player because I can quickly go to acting like an adult to acting five years old. One age play to me seems kinda gross to me. I have no desire whatsoever to call him daddy. I don't have daddy issues. I love my Dad and am very close to him

But on one hand I can see where he gets the idea. When I get tired or hungry, I get very pouty or grumpy. Its nothing crazy. I just have always acted like that. Mike (old dom) says that is me just being a brat. Dave (dom #2) has no say he kinda agree's that I act like a child but more bratty then child like.

Its just something that has been bothering me.

I also need help. I am supposed to be living a DD relationship with my husband but it seems to have fallen to the way side. I rarely get put in my place anymore. I mean like this week. I have had such an attitude it has come to the point of begging anyone to take care of it. He just seems to ignore it. I mean I push and push and nothing... This isn't exactly what I signed up for.

2010-11-03T20:18:00.002-04:00

I have a nice post floating around in my head about age play but am to tired and very grouchy plus I haven't quite decided how I want to write it yet. Thats hopefully this weeks topic tho

This weekend!!!

2010-11-01T14:23:00.003-04:00

It was so nice to be able to go home to Harford county and actually see some friends and run errands in my old town.

I planned on seeing my spanker friend who I guess we can call him a second dom. Someone I have been seeing since before my husband and I got married.

He has his own set of rules for me. Nothing hard, or that goes against my husbands rules. More so reinforcing Andrews rules. I would almost think of him as an older brother type. So we agreed to meet up for the weekend. I needed a " reminder in my manners" and I wanted a session. So we met at the agreed meeting place. Dunkin donuts. YUM! I for once was early. Go me. Hoped in his truck and went off on some back unpaved roads. Till we went to a spot we used before. He was in a good mood I could tell, which is always good for me.

Once we got there he was like. Lets go hiking. For serious!?!?! I was wearing healed boots. I replied Yes Sir, but really in these shoes? He laughed and was like do I need to carry you? I manged to walk on the stone path and not twist an ankle. The element of being outside was defiantly heating the moment up. I was nervous someone hear or be walking the path. He seemed very chill. We got down to business. He found a log to sit on and I went over the knee and got a nice hand warm up. Thud with sting, I could hear his hand swooshing down. AHHH bliss.

Then we moved on to the "I need to learn manners phase" He had me lean against a tree on the path and stick my ass out a little. By then he already had me remove my leggings and lace panties. I was supposed to get fifty. He started in sets of ten. 1 Sir I will mind my manners, 2 Sir I will mind my manners, 3 Sir I will mind my manners. By ten I couldn't wait for the break it was starting to sting, 20 I just wanted it to be over. He examined my ass. He knew I could take a whole lot more because from him I have and a whole lot harder but didn't want to return me super marked so he cut a deal. Five more hard and fast still counting, then 10 with a switch thingy. I was fine whatever anything but the bathbrush. I got the last five and the words were flying out of my mouth. It fucking hurts!!

The switch... or club. He broke the top off a baby tree it was probably as thick as a mans thumb. It hurt way worse than I was expecting. I just had to count. I think I probably said One Sir.. fuck!! LOL I ended up getting 15 cause when he gave me a break I was stalling before getting back into position. When It was over we took some very hot pics for fetlife and my husband.

It was a blast!!! It was very pretty with the fall leaves and a red ass!

Day two and three I am sporting some lovely black and blue bruises!! :D

HOME!!!

2010-10-29T19:05:00.001-04:00

I am going home in like 2 and a half hours so excited for this break!!! SO needed.

Seeing Dave sometime saturday sio I am sure I will have lots of fun kinky stories to tell when I come home and maybe some video or something not sure. I will work on that for you all. The pictures are a definite though.

OK beyond excited! Need to go pack. Love ya'll BEHAVE

And peace returns to the land

2010-10-28T09:37:00.003-04:00

Well I got things cleared up with both my men last night.

When I got home I think my husband could tell I was grouchy so he made sure his mood was light and fun and gave me cuddles why we ate some really yummy french toast I made for dinner. This stuff is the shit really!! I was for some reason exhausted last night so I forced myself to remain awake till like 10 and went into snuggling up in bed.

Of course nights of all nights I'm exhausted and all I want to do is sleep my phone kept buzzing and popping. Id fall asleep for 10 15 min then a txt come through. It was a vicious cycle for like an hour. I finally looked at my phone told the unimportant people to leave me alone and was scrolling through the massive amounts of txts when one caught my eye. It was from DOM2. Lets call him dave. He asked what was going on. So his I decided to respond to. I basically told him I needed a few min to talk to him and asked if he was busy since I knew he was working at the moment. He said he could txt and if it was gonna need to be a phone conversation it would have to wait till he could call around 1 or 2 am. UMMM I'm exhusted I will take the extra 15 min and do this over txt

So I sat up and proceeded to type. "Im gonna try and make this sound as respectful as possible, I really didn't appreciate being snapped at earlier today. I didn't honest to god know I want allowed to fb you. I knew txt. I'm sure the rule said txt. So Sorry if I was confused I'm sorry. But then you also said to tell you when someone got back to me on fetlife. That's all I was trying to do, was tell you I heard back from someone. Wasn't trying to get in trouble and snapped at. I learned my lesson from the last time"

Seriously his reply : It's all good no worries. I'm just a busy guy.

UGH men ... Pour your heart and soul out and they give you super short responses *rolls eyes*

Either way I'm glad it got cleared up cause I hate the mind set of being in trouble and having it hang over my head. I love the feeling of a belt or paddle on my skin but then when I'm in trouble no thank you. Its all a head game I know. A very weird one at that.

In other news. I go home tomorrow!! I can see mi familia!! See my friends. Renew my drivers license. BLAH!! DMV SUCKS! but Im going home!! I get to see Dave, I made him promise me coffee and a donut since he owes me pancakes still for taking a huge beating awhile ago. I get to have a girls day with my mom and get my nails done and take her out to dinner. Should be a good time

Rain = grumpy men I have decided

2010-10-27T19:32:00.003-04:00

Ok well I am taking Sephani's advice over at http://sephanipaige.wordpress.com/ . I am attempting to get more readers and if people would comment then I would be more in tune to writing, that makes it a two way road people!

Anyway today was a going great. Did a little fetlife http://fetlife.com/users/368706 this morning, went to work and had a good morning. Since I am nannying I had to take him to school. Dropped him off came home for my little break in a great mood (cause I'm going home this weekend WOOT!!!) Fell asleep. Then my husband comes home from work. He is on his mids shift which means he is working nights all week and weekend. I understand he is tired. I am tired after work too but when you have to snap at me over something dumb that pisses me off. So before I said anything regretful I walked out of the room to let him sleep. Hopped on the computer and began to facebook and fetlife till my little heart was content and I needed to pick the child up from school. I quickly through in some masturbation in there before dashing off. YUMMY

I know I mentioned in my last post I have a second Dom, which yes my husband is A OK with as long as he remains number 1. Its been going well for us but then he snapped at me. I mean we have a unique relationship. He has a girl friend and stuff so I am not supposed to txt him first. OK I get that and respect that! BUT he asked me to look for more girls for him to spank on fetlife since he is new to it and I asked for a playmate. So I PMed a bunch of them the other night and his exact words were let me know when you get a response. SOOOOOOOOO he was on facebook today and I just sent him a little ;) and he was all "Didn't learn from the last time I told you not to txt or message me first" WELL LA DE DA! The rule was Not to txt you first. This clearly was not a txt message and I was trying to share good news that I heard back from one of the girls. Can we say frustrated!?!?!?

Well that just blew my good mood out the water! I defiantly need to have a sit down with him and clearly straighten things out in the most respectful way I can muster. Well it defiantly wont be tonight cause Im all hot and mad over all the men's grumpy moods... Dumb weather

2010-10-18T10:06:00.002-04:00

Ok so this post may seem a little out of no where but I need to try and sort somethings out in my head.

I have a wonderful husband who takes very good care of me. I like our relationship and we have sort of been working on the vanilla side of things recently. Which means that spanking really isn't there. Nor the control aspect I guess, I just tend to miss it a lot which makes me sad. I mean not saying he lets me do whatever I want or whatever he still keeps me in my place and stuff I just miss the spanking. So I have a friend who I met online who is also into spanking. We met around the same time my husband and I met up.

He has a girl friend and lives a very vanilla life except when he is with me. We probably meet once a month and he gets to live his dom side a little and I get to fill the spanking void so to speak. I defiantly like pain and just pretty lay there taking it. I love when I get to have a session with him cause he makes them thuddy and when my husband spanks me he makes them stingy. I love both but like thuddy more.

I like to have the marks for a few days to look at and remember and just kinda adore. I will post a pic of the spanking I got from my that friend a month ago. I asked for a very hard spanking and thats what I got. A well bruised red ass. I was on cloud nine

New life,... New rules.... but its my life

2010-09-08T20:12:00.002-04:00

So its been nearly two months since I updated. The last two months have been a settling period for us. Living in a DD relationship 24/7 was and is a bigger adjustment then I thought it be. I'm quickly learning that its no longer just about me and I can't do what I want when I want.

I also didn't realize how much I thrived off of a routine. With me not working I really don't have one. I mean I have chores I normally have to complete by the time he gets home.

My poor husband has found out about my temper quickly, which I do feel bad about but he is quite good at dealing with it. I mean my temper has resulted in broken implements. Something I'm not sure how it happened or what set me off but I grabbed the closest thing to me which happened to be our hairbrush and I threw it. Well I didn't know it but I cracked it right in half. So bye bye brush. What did he find at our handy dandy Walmart... a dumb bath brush! I miss the hair brush so much I'd do anything to have it back. The bath brush hurts way more than anything I have ever experienced. He barely has to swing for me to be begging for it to be over. I think it may be the implement to make me cry. I have yet to ever cry from a spanking. Im sure it feels wonderful but I never have been able too.

Settling in

2010-07-19T19:49:00.002-04:00

Well this post is basically just about us settling in to our new house. It defiantly is taking a lot more work then I expected it ever would. Luckily he is off this week so he is spending time helping me

we spent a lot of time today buying furniture. My parents are coming down tomorrow to help finish setting things up an to meet him. Just this is all so exciting

Bought our first washer and dryer. Im actually excited to do laundry

A New Beginning

2010-07-14T23:52:00.002-04:00

A lot has happened in the last few months

I have explored my interest in the domestic discipline scene, met with some Doms/Tops. Found out more or less what I wanted in a long term relationship.

I managed to do this all why working my ass off at work. Trying my hardest to get a promotion that was promised but never came. I still managed to love my job and the friends I met there. Some of the best friends ever. I mean who goes from work to get wings every monday night. It was awesome that I could have a relationship with these people outside of work. Awesome friends is all I can say.

Things at home were up and down. Fights and then things be fine for a couple weeks. It really got to me emotionally. I tried not to be there a lot. I would work 30 plus hour weeks at work then be busy hanging with friends. If I had to be home Id be up in my room. Only person I'd really talk to would be my 14 year old brother, and occasionally my sister but we would fight a lot too. Either way I knew I couldn't stand to be like this with my family forever.

So that sorta catches us up to the end of June and the beginning of July
**************************************************************************************

My parents left for a two week trip to head to the middle of nowhere Montana, leaving my sister and I at home. We really bonded. Went to the beach for the day. Just had a lot of fun together.
Then the parents came home and our little piece of heaven quickly turned to hell. My mom managed to nit pick the house apart. Managed to wake me up by screaming at me the day after she came home. Later that afternoon, I was steaming. She was yelling at my sister over something and I snapped. I got right in my mothers face and basically told her how it was. She had no right to come home and start nit picking bout how the pots and pans were put away and then had no right to be yelling my sister over what she was yelling at her about. Needless to say she didn't like that and told me to get out.

At the time I was talking to a spanker who lived a few miles from my house and told him what happened. He agreed to meet me before I had to go to work and to talk to me about it.
We both came to the conclusion that I could have handled the situation better and I was disrespectful. (didn't help I was disrespectful to him on the phone on my way to meet him) So he offered quite a spanking that left me bruised and well marked for a week. I agree it was something I needed. So I am very thankful to him for it.

I ended up talking to my parents later. In a lot cooler, calmer manner. They gave me the weekend to find a place to live. We all agreed this wasn't a healthy relationship for us. A dom friend of mine who I went on a date or two with took me in for a few days. Then I took the plunge literally!

I had been talking to another Dom who lived near DC and was in the Navy. I'm a sucker for military guys *swoon* He made an offer awhile back. Marry him and he would take care of me. I know it sounds crazy but I kept his offer in mind. I had no place to go after Wednesday. So I agreed. He picked me up from work Thursday night and I have been here ever since.

We got married today, I became a military wife. Got my ID, and we also got our first house today. Can we say productive? I know it sounds crazy and Im sure you all are like how can you just marry a stranger. Well people did it back in the olden days. It worked then because people managed to work together and to create a marriage that works for them. Thats exactly what we are doing, is creating a Domestic discipline relationship that works for him and I.

I can proudly say we are both very proud of what we have accomplished. We get along very well. Have so much fun together. He knows how to handle me and not be to harsh about it. I can proudly say I am falling in love with my husband.

Frustrated beyond compare

2010-05-24T19:56:00.002-04:00

Well I guess this is a long story so this is a warning if u don't wanna read click the little x in the top right hand corner

I put four months maybe more into a relationship with someone. Learning roles, making mistakes and learning from them. He was busy with school I was busy with work but we still managed to spend time together. Finals rolled around for him this last week and since I sucked at behaving during midterms I vowed I would behave this time around if it killed me. I did too I was proud of myself. Friday he graduated and I was soooo proud of him. He worked his ass off and finally got a degree. Then I found out something which pissed me off. Now note Im not really a clingy person but I do like talking to that person a lot, so we would send texts back and forth throughout the day, like I said for lots of months. We were talking on friday night on how he just wanted to relax this weekend and no drama and shit which I agreed he deserved. I later made a comment on how I had been good the last few weeks and he was like yes you have and to make it better I have been ignoring you. WTF seriously. That hurt bad. I cant even put into words how that kinda felt like a knife to the heart. So I just stopped talking to him that day and really haven't heard from him. I don't know what I should do or say.

I really miss my ex too and I have realized this over the last few months. Every time he pops online I just kinda sigh. So I sucked it up and decided to IM him one day. We had a normal conversation. I kinda figured if He wanted me back or missed me we would continue talking. The next day he pops up. We been talking. admit we miss each other, admit we miss the dynamic we had. Then he started acting weird, I still cant put my finger on why, but trust me its annoying

all in all Im very much considering giving up this life style and being "normal" I cant find one man to stick by me and have a relationship with. They seem to get what they want and disappear. My emotions cant take much anymore.

Miss me ?

2010-04-15T12:44:00.001-04:00

Im not dead. Just been busy. Working and such. Trying to figure my life out. Feel like its one step forward 2 steps back.

Annoyed

2010-03-06T19:02:00.002-05:00

Im annoyed. I wont lie. This weeks been rough one. I'll cough up a lot to hormones. Will he except that as an excuse, doubt it. We are gonna try and do a week review post tomorrow but this post is to get some frustrations out.

My parents seem to be on my case about everything. Driving me up the wall, that is if I don't bang my head into the wall first. For serious, I'm nearly 21. I can handle it. Just get out of my business.

Things with Mike are good. I get frustrated with myself mostly. I try and be good and still end up fucking something up EVERY DAMN TIME! Attitude freaking gets the best of me. I feel like he isn't understanding my side of anything. He is stressing over midterms. I apparently argue ever subject. I understand schools important. I guess I feel pushed to the side. Im frustrated as hell. I got so much mounting up. Lines to do, spankings to get. I want it over. I want a clean slate. Which I feel like I will never get. It keeps getting pushed back.

We finally had one good fight. That felt good I felt better after. But I feel another one mounting up and its hard to fight when HE wont fight back. Which in turn, frustrates me. I don't know how to feel better. I cant exactly talk to him about it because he will just tell me to shush. PLUS I don't want to add to his stress level. Guess I'll lay low and not really talk to him till Wednesday.

Same old same old sigh

2010-02-25T20:36:00.003-05:00

"This week you have been fairly mouthy your attitude was improving but then it seemed as if you got comfortable and started pushing limits again thinking that you were allowed to get away with things when you knew before hand that you werent, such as going to bed when you are told to. i hope that your mouth and attitude improves to avoide any punishments you will undoubtly earn as a result."

I know this post is late... well technically its kinda early cause its this weeks post. Either way Id like to note that last week was a good week. No trouble whatsoever. I was way to lazy to post about it for some reason. So now I had to post early because I didn't want you all to think I died, and because I was told to. Help this blog has been kidnapped.

Nothing much has happened. I been working. Went shopping and am broke again. Umm his post sums everything up. I kinda get in this comfort zone where I guess im to comfortable with him,act as his equal not his sub. Which Im working on remembering

Tantrums get you know where.

2010-02-14T23:14:00.003-05:00

"You had a major incident this week, more then i have seen from you before. You started the week off better because you were already in trouble but then you informed me about how irresponsible you had been not paying your cell phone bill. Then when you were informed you would be in trouble you gave me push back but eventually accepted it, however, when the punishment was told to you, you mocked it and then as I ramped it up since you thought little of it you continued to argue and negotiate and then after that threw a full blown tantrum like a little girl and pouted and whined which is not acceptable and you know it so that is why you are in more trouble this week on top of what you were already in trouble for." ~ Mike

Bad week! More crappy snow, leaving me locked in the house with my mother, sister, and brothers, My mothers best friend, her three kids, and my 13 year old brothers best friend. Which equaled a really full loud house. Lots of shoveling and me doing incredibly dumb stuff... i.e. jumping off my 15- 20 foot high deck into the 50 plus inches of snow.

Am I happy about this weeks behavior review, absolutely not! Im really embarrassed. Im embarrassed at how I literally lowered myself to acting like a 5 year old who didn't get their way. Hmmm maybe because I didn't get my way. I was however honest which he forgot to mention and told him my phone got turned off. He failed to mention the HONESTY portion. I did get them to turn it back on though. He forgot to mention that too.

I was bad and was 2 months behind on my bill. I really thought I was only one month. SWEAR. But it does explain why it was 235 $. So we agreed we would discuss it before going to bed that night and come up with a suitable punishment. Not like I wanted to add on but seriously I knew arguing wasn't getting me anywhere. He wasn't even mad at me. Just disappointed.

So when the time came to talk about it. I was good with the punishment, which happened to be 100 lines saying I'd pay my bills or get spanked. 'Cept in all honesty I thought it was the dumbest punishment ever. I very vocally let him know this, which quickly doubled the punishment. I then went into full panic mode. I flipped. I did everything short of kicking and screaming and had he been in a hearing range I probably would have. I lied I defiantly through something in my room. I was defiant told him directly No I wasn't doing 100 let alone 200. Attitude quickly became present and he told me I probably should go to bed, to which I responded to maybe I would and didn't need his permission to go to bed. I slammed my computer shut. I would like to make note. He remained so calm during my temper tantrum. He never once yelled or anything. I fully expected to get a txt saying we would talk about it in the morning. Nope not a thing.

I woke up the next morning still mad. Wasn't going to say anything to him, wasn't going to apologize until someone else showed me the errors of my way. Thanks Sephani. He txted later and all I could do was say sorry. He said we would be having a long discussion later about my behavior. Which ended up being a 20 min. discussion on how he wasn't going to put up with it anymore. How I embarrassed myself with my tantrum. I didn't say a word. It wasn't my place. My place was to listen and only answer with Yes Sir/No Sir, when I was asked a direct question.I defiantly wasn't about to step out of line.

Since my punishment I still haven't served was for being rude and disrespectful and I repeated that offense again two fold he would just add to that punishment. So now I have those 100 lines I argued about, a more severe spanking, longer corner time. Both sets of lines are due friday when I see him. The spanking and corner will happen at a later time.

Not looking forward to any of this.

I WINNED !!!!

2010-02-07T22:05:00.002-05:00

SAINTS WIN!!!!!!!

THEY CRUSHED THE COLTS!!! 3o fucking 1 to 17!!!!

THEY WON!!!! I WON!!!!!!

Seriously though I won the bet with Mike. I called it weeks ago! I WON!! Little me won. Its amazing. He is sulking and pouting because HEEEEEE lost.

Now his butt gets to pay up for once. Thats right I get to spank him!!! When it happens it will def. be a tale to tell.

Luv ya baby <3

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

2010-02-07T08:20:00.001-05:00

Guess who is 25 today?.......... not me! Im not old yet. Im still and always will be the baby. :)

Happy birthday Babes!!

Last Straw

2010-02-06T19:15:00.002-05:00

"You started off by having a good week you were nice and were making sure to be responsible as well as obeying our rules. However, as the week progressed your attitude started getting the best of you, I asked you to stop you continued to give more attitude back even going as far as being disrespectful to me by saying some pretty nasty thing and it was then that I had finally had enough and decided that you just could not stop and needed to be punished for you attitude and disrespect."

I really messed up this week. I disappointed him, I think I even made him mad to a point. I seriously am mad at myself as well for getting in trouble. I was already in trouble to a degree with my language. It was a really busy day at work and I was getting mad and frustrated. Every time the phone rang I wanted to slam it down. Hard to answer phones and deal with frustrated rushing customers. And everyone of them flocked to the register at once. There like chickens. So by the time I was done ringing I was already short fuse about to blow. He said something just teasing and I blew. Attitude kicked in instantly. Which he told me to cut it out and I defiantly responded with no and to go die. Somewhere else I threw in there that I hated him. I really don't I swear. Baby I don't hate you!!! It was bad enough he had to tell me to apologize and normally I'm pretty good about knowing when I crossed the line. I guess thursday night my attitude was so bad I didn't want to admit it or even say sorry. I mean I did to avoid trouble, which I found out when I got home I couldn't avoid. Cause as soon as I was home I was sentenced. Sentence is 100 lines reading "I will not be disrespectful or I will be punished." & a hand spanking on the bare until he thinks its enough and Im sorry. Plus I need to still serve my cursing sentence. In good news though I did my lines last night because I was bored and going stir crazy. So 2 left. Not looking for the last two at all and I just want them over with. Now if the weather would corporate I could get them over with.

Blizzard 2010

2010-02-06T11:23:00.003-05:00

Ok seriously I hate snow. Yea a couple of inches is pretty but thats about it. We don't have a couple of inches we have feet. The weather men before hand wouldn't even call an amount all they would say was " A measurable (at this time) of snow is headed for your area" Ok that amount now is pushing 3 feet. Its cold and wet and cold and I HATE SNOW!!!!!!!!! ugh now that we have cleared that up. I will post a picture of the snow drifts later. Only good thing about the snow is it maybe sledding tonight. Keep my dad and your uncle in your thoughts as they are plowing the snow. Left yesterday and now are home for a few hours sleep before heading back out. With the sounds of things they will be done plowing tuesday. Right in time for storm number 2 to hit. Which sounds smaller but 6 inches on top of all this. Im gonna sob. I just want it to stop. It ruined my plans so I am a very bitter person.

Picture one: Our trampoline Is bout 3 or more feet of the ground the snow just misses the top

Picture two is my leg the snow is above my knee, you can't tell with the snow pants on but its deep.

Thank you

2010-02-04T11:06:00.004-05:00

Mike,

I wanted to say thank you. Thank you for your patience with me. Thank you for calmly directing me. Thank you for not living a double standard, you follow the same rules given to me to a degree. Thank you for taking the time to work with me. You knew my problem areas before we decided to embark upon this journey. Thank you for punishing me when I need it. Thank you for second chances. Thank you for deciding I'm worth trying to live this lifestyle with.

All in all

Thank you

Challenges

2010-01-30T22:18:00.004-05:00

Alright where to begin. Last couple of days have been rough on me especially. Lots of emotional stuff with my parents. I wanted to say thank you a lot to Mike who honestly I thought would have run for the hills by now. But he has stuck by offering support as much as he possibly can and some good advice. Thanks baby!

He wrote up a review of my behavior and I think we are going to include those weekly from now on.

"id say that over the last couple of days your behavior has been better, early on you were really bratty and pushing boundaries with your attitude. After today you seem to get it and see that you can't act how you want without consequences. I think once i finally went through with it and committed to punishing you you realized that it wasn't a game and that if you are bad you will be punished."

So now to why the past few days have been hard. I guess getting used to a whole new set of rules plays some part. Not much because I admit I have been pushing to see how far I can step before a consequence is laid down. Learning to keep my temper in check seems to have arisen a great deal this week. That whole cursing thing yea. BIG FAT FAIL!

I don't remember what I was complaining about but I know I was mad. I was letting the F word fly a lot. He basically told me to cool it and it needed to stop and I could express my anger other ways but I was going against the rules and it needed to stop. That was the second warning, the other first was much more calm like "baby, calm down its OK" (I like all the little pet names I've picked up) Either way I didn't stop, well I did then something set me off and he called me out and was like thats it now your going to be punished for it. So we (he) went through our list of consequences and he choose (remember he is 100% in charge of picking and distributing punishments) 1 teaspoon of hot sauce in my mouth for three minutes. I guess enough to coat the tongue while i sit there for three minutes before I'm allowed to rinse or drink any water. Not a fan but it could be way worse. So now I have that hanging over my head until we are able to deal with it.

The stress this week has been terrible and It got so bad I broke down and asked him to just relieve if for me. We decided one way to do that would be stress relieve spankings. Just his hand doing a whole lot of talking on my butt basically until he sees I have had enough or I pull a safe word. Gonna see if that helps me because honestly I don't think its healthy to be this stressed. I have been so stressed my hair is falling out. Key reason Im stressed would be my family. I don't want to get in to personal details but I am now looking for a new place to live and a car asap. So what caused me to suck it up and asked him to spank me. Just been in a lot of stress and today topped the cake. I was coming home from dropping my sister off from work and running to the library. No mind you there is an inch of snow on the roads and I actually was going very slow. I was almost home and coming down a hill and another car was coming up it. I slid to the left right into her lane. WHAM head on collision. I was fine thankfully. I finally regained control and literally slammed on the brakes and threw the parking brake on because I was still sliding. I ran up the hill to see the other driver was ok. I mean her car was Fucked!!(used with permission), front end was all smashed in because of the plow attachment on the truck. Windshield shattered, leaking fluid, both her air bags deployed. I called my dad since I was almost home. Called 911, and texted mike. All in the matter of like 1 min. It wasn't really avoidable I couldn't stop the truck from sliding. I feel terrible! The snow wasn't expected. It just made for a terrible day and I have been very depressed because my father asked me to leave today. Hence finding a new place to live and a car asap. I also have been feeling very docile and subby and Mike can attest to a new side of me he hasn't seen before.

But while all this happened he has done a good job of gently reminding me of my role and keeping firm grasp upon my attitude and I kinda think its all sinking in. I finally got what I wanted now I need to live up to my responsibilities and accept my short falls and work on them. Biggest thing he wants me to work on is getting in good graces with my parents, I have no desire to I just want to find a new place and go. But he is right in the long run it fixes nothing and I need to try. So I have to be nice and helpful and behave. Heaven help me. I'm doing it for him though.

We also have added a rule. No texting and driving. He finds out i have or do .... Im dead. If I get the 500 dollar ticket that our state has (assuming the police catch me) Im deader.

Thin ice

2010-01-27T00:15:00.010-05:00

You know when it first gets cold and ponds freeze over ever so slightly its like see through paper. Super fragile and defiantly not stable enough to support a flea. Yea well that's about what I'm standing on before I get my butt roasted for the first time in a long long time.

So yea in case you hadn't seen then previous post. I did manage to get myself in trouble. I took my attitude from my family an unleashed it on him. I was whiny and pouty all weekend and used being sick as an excuse. I'm honestly surprised it took till Sunday night and I didn't get in trouble sooner. Saturday in my opinion was way worse. I knew when I was jumping into this that it was something I wanted to work on and he had agreed to help.So props to Mike for taking on the challenge of a life time and having no coach through out this journey telling him wax on wax off. I'm sorry for the lame jokes its 1:15 am and I'm getting tired. He decided to give me one more chance. Which I'm forever grateful. I have tired to keep my attitude in check but I'm not sure I really succeed today though. More on that later.

The last 2 days have been feeling the waters I suppose. Laying down the law I guess we could call it. Feeling out rules that would be good for us as a couple. Practical in our everyday lives, nothing extreme, but still enough its going to take getting used to. Nothings been pushed on me its all been agreed on. (I'm beginning to think this post is gonna be so long)Basically our rules are as follows and they all have consequences and as I found out last night spanking wont be the only one.

Rules:

No cursing
No lying will be tolerated, ever
Attitude needs to be in check (I don't know how to word this, Mike help)
A set limit will be decided before hand if I want to go shopping I need to stick to that limit and if I need to go over that limit I have to get permission first ($180 shoes apparently don't get the go head trust me I tried but more on that later)
(I'm totally guessing on this one) Seek permission if I want to do something, ie go for coffee. ( I have so far only because in my book it shows respect)
Respect others

I think that pretty much covers them. I'm sure if I missed something he will add it in when he comments tomorrow/today um whenever.

Consequences: Are 100% for him to decide, I get no say.

Spankings, Right now using just hand, brush and a belt. I'm sure we don't need to add anymore.
Groundings, Lose of privileges such as phone, Internet :(, going out.
Lines , repeatedly writing sentences anywhere from 50 to 500. Either to give to when I see him or to do when with him. When with him they have to be done sitting on the floor facing away from the TV, I can't do anything till there done either. Plus my phone will be taken away so it isn't an added distraction. (could be added with another punishment or a punishment within itself)
Corner time, given after spankings as a time out and time of reflection. No rubbing allowed.
Washing my mouth out (cursing), could also included having hot pepper or Tabasco sauce placed on my tongue. Possibly made to eat a Jalapeno pepper.

Now today My friend from facebook showed me these BeBe shoes. OMG I was having shoe orgasms. I was very much in heaven. I mentioned them to Mike and he asked how much. Now since these shoes are a name brand and Im a label whore to me putting down anywhere from 100 to 200 on a hot pair of heels doesn't bother me. He quickly flat out said no absolutely not. You think me being on thin ice wouldn't push. I got slightly whiny. He was very good about it though and warned me I needed to stop. I did but when I was at work I brought it up again. Ok I admit in my mind I figured if I whined enough he get sick of it and give in and be like "whatever its your money spend it how you want" I got not even close to that. I got "...So toy have been whiney all day and I should have taken care of it earlier...(i think i quickly texted i wasn't whining)... and continue to do it. Im leaving work so we can discuss this when I get home dear." Yea so crap and a half. That isn't the fine whatever answer I was hopping for. Basically he is at his whits end with the attitude and being very gracious I have to make it 24 hours (less then that now) No attitude. Hang on I want to find his exact words. Gosh I love IMing. "so i think its a good compromise, for all the chances ive given, you stay on a zero tolerence policy for another day" Basically I cant screw up at all tomorrow. Bite my tongue and lots of yes sirs/ no sirs. I honestly don't know if I can make it but Im going to try. I know we both are sick of the attitudes and If I knew how to make them stop I would but I don't so its his job to see that they do.

On that note I add a picture of the shoes that make me go OMG and almost would be worth getting in trouble for.

Arn't they BEAUTIFUL!!! I think I would wear them and just stare at how cute my feet looked in them. *Sigh*

New beginnings

2010-01-24T20:37:00.006-05:00

Well so then I was told I have to bring some key points up in this post and that I have to clean my room by 4pm tomorrow...I think if I start now It might be close to being done by 4 tomorrow.

Well from the previous run on sentence, can you tell I know have a new Dom. mmmhmm I is very happy. Very happy is me. :)

Our short little relationship has been fun, and I exactly what I want. We had a conversation about it yesterday on how it would be nice because we could be ourselves with each other and not have to hide one part of ourself. So slowly we are going into this. I think its pretty much come natural thus far. (Any thoughts babe? since I know your reading this.)

Pretty much rules come up as they go. Guys he actually thinks his rules out so there arn't loop holes. How lame is that. How else am I supposed to find away around them?? If you got ideas please share them.

So fair though really haven't been issues. Ok maybe one tiny one. I swear!! Ok its probably gonna be one of our main issues and I was upfront about it and Im pretty sure he guessed it. But its my attitude/respect (him along with others) surprise surprise. Saturday apparently I took my attitude with my mother and sister and it carried over to him. I will admit he gave plenty of warning subtle and not. So I guess I really didn't have a reason to be all pissy with him. So I do apologize for that again. So now I'm on thin ice he said and attitude wont be tolerated at all. Point blank. Almost got myself in trouble at work today cause I was whining a lot. (Ok I admit it, it was a lot of whining.) And to clarify thats with him not anyone at work, we txt a lot. YAY unlimited texting. One day I will have to tell y'all bout my $1000 dollar cell bill. He has been very patient with me. I will admit he has given me more chances then I deserve. I wont even make excuses *coughimsickcough*

Ok now I have to address embarrassing part. He says if my attitude continues then Im getting punished. Punishments from him which we discussed and I guess they could be worse are pretty much spankings and groundings or both if your really dead. Groundings I most likely would hate a heck of a lot more because I would go insane. especially if he was to take away like my computer privileges. Cause I luvs my computer. We are like BFFS!!! But for the attitude Im told Im gonna be spanked and not gonna like it one bit. Then shoved in the damn corner.I hate corners there dumb and boring and smell funny. Spiders normally preside there ICK!

~stacie

PS: Oh yea so on the plus side we are betting in the Superbowl. Loser has to take a spanking. Two words. GO SAINTS!! Im calling it now Colts vs. Saints. Saints win. Just gotta get past this over time game and his precious Vikings and there old ass quarter back can go away

PPS: He wont let me go to the mall tomorrow cause my rooms not clean *pout* and it has to be done like I said before by 4 and it has to be done right which means no shoving it in the closet. So now I cant go shopping.

PPS: SAINTS WIN!!! IN OVER TIME! 2 WEEKS ITS SUPERBOWL SUNDAY AND MY SAINTS ARE GONNA BEAT SOME COLTS ASS!!! oh yea babes happy birthday 2 weeks early.

Bitterness!

2010-01-23T16:35:00.002-05:00

Lately I have noticed how bitter and angry towards my mother. I cant even really come up with a reason on why Im bitter I just know I hate her with a passion. Its pretty sad I have no desire to have a relationship with her whatsoever. If I had my way I wouldnt live here and I wouldnt ever talk to her again. I really only want to build a relationship with my father. I don't know why I have this bitterness but I dont like it how it makes me feel like an ass. I will admit that I wake up with an attitude towards her and it remains throughout the day. Anything she says I take sarcastically and to heart. I dont like that she in a round about way makes fun of me or the way I dress. saying my pants are to tight or stuff. Maybe I wear them tight because I like them tight, did that thought ever cross your mind, or maybe I like showing my cleavage off. I was blessed with boobs so dont be haten that i have them and you dont.

She adds to my stress level enough that she drives me to smoke a cigarette. Its pretty bad. Then she wonders why I smoke. Hmmm Support would be nice from her once in awhile. I dont care if you dont like what Im doing with my life, maybe if I had some support it be different.

Whatever.

I know this was totally random I just needed to vent

At the cross roads

2010-01-22T17:06:00.003-05:00

So Im excited to say I have learned I have 2 readers!!!

In other news Im sick as a dog. I have the worstest cold ever. Ok maybe not worstest cold every. Just It seriously sucks. Im all congested and can't breathe. I feel like a fish out of water. Gasping for air. Im sucking water down too. Not any fun. But Im pushing myself to go out tonight, because I desperately needing to see this friend. We have a lot to discuss. I want to move badly down south, kinda in haste made that declaration and she wants to talk about it plus something about her ex boy friend getting another girl pregnant. I know, hot juicy stuff right. So were going to the store and getting dinner. Nothing exciting. I already know Im calling out of work sick tomorrow because I was supposed to go drinking with some friends but I don't even feel well enough to do that yet.

Remember I said I met someone on fetlife. Well if i didn't I know have. He seems like a great guy, funny yet can be serious when needed. Caring all the important things. We will see though, Im done with rushing relationships. He to would like to take it slow. Plus Im not jumping into meeting someone i met online. Ect. I mean we have fun when we IM each other but thats about it. As far as we have taken the relationship. I know we both are hesitant so thats a good thing in its own way.

I haven't heard from the other guy so Im going to say that its not gonna happen plus I like that the other guy is local.

Now about my statement about moving. Im getting so annoyed with my parents Im ready for a change. I want to basically start over again. So I called a friend down south who I planned on visiting anyway in April and was like look if I come down I doubt I will be coming back home. So now its a toss up. Do I stay here an peruse a relationship or do I start my life over. Its truly a cross roads moment

Due for an update

2010-01-21T13:59:00.003-05:00

So I think after a week I should update you guys. Even though Im pretty sure Spirited is the only one reading thing.

Anyway I joined Fet life due to a friends suggestion and met this guy last night. I think we mesh well. We were joking last night that we hadn't grown annoyed of the other yet. We talked from 10 pm to like 430 am. It was a nice conversation and I hope we continue to talk.

Also talking with an old Dom of mine and he would like something to happen between us but im taking it slow.

I basically decided that Im gonna find someone who makes me happy in both the Dom/sub/Master/slave stuff as well as the BF/GF dept.

I'll eventually find someone. Also Im thinking of moving south because Im done with the state im in now. Also so done with parents.

Yep that sums up the last week or so. Im headed to work for a few and I plan on writing an in depth post later tonight.

Behave ya'll

Split personalities?

2010-01-09T21:25:00.003-05:00

In trying to find myself I have come across different sides of myself and I can't seem to choose which one and which path to take. It all seems so hazy. I just feel like I need to choose one and stick with it but then again they depend on things. So Im here at like a cross roads and because I don't have certain things I can't move on. Its like a video game or something. So I will make it like a game show and my readers can maybe help me decide which "door to choose"

*announcer*
Behind door number one we have * doors open* "Stacy the sub/slave" With a Master/Dom who keeps her centered and focused on him. Keeping her settled and yet still having a fun time with her. Being both a wonderful boyfriend/ husband while meeting her desire as a Dom/Master.

Door 2~ Would be the door where I got along with my parents. I drive an awesome truck or jeep. I have a wonderful devoted boyfriend whom Im going to marry. My life is finally on a track it should be. but I have none of the kink because I am to scared to admit it to the one I love because I am afraid he will think Im a freak

( I must admit this is really hard to actually write out)

This is why I like the Dom stuff cause I never had to make these decisions he always did. Im scared shitless
im going to go cry more

Cha Ching

2010-01-09T20:49:00.003-05:00

We got the car fixed today...... My paycheck I received yesterday well its nearly gone. I put 400 into a friends car. I now am broke. No money to put towards a new car. Depressing. my wallet hurts. lets add all this up shall we

Tow truck~ 138
new tire and rim ~ 100
Rotor ~ 38
lug nuts~ 2
some screwy thing ~ 4
oil~ idk
somehow owed my uncle 120

that = EXPENSIVE

Near Death Experience

2010-01-07T22:44:00.002-05:00

Have I mentioned that I hate cars!!! Or maybe they hate me!! Anyway I was driving to go pick up a friend who is home on winter break. I was very excited to get to see her so I got the music going and Im singing along and Im almost there. Then it happens *Insert Dramatic music here* The wheel to the car falls off AND PASSES ME!!!! By some higher power I was able to get the car to the side of the road (well the bottom of a drive way because get this on the road I was on there is no side of the road). Im like OH HOLY MOther fucker. ect. I call my mom ask her to pick me up. Now i dont remember if I told you but Im borrowing a friends car this week. Yea it was his car. The car really must hate me, because two days ago it had to be jumped. yea the battery died. It was tuesday, I was trying to leave work early because I was about to barf everywhere. So I went out to start it and all it did was make clicking noises. FOR SERIOUS!?!? So my last few days with cars suck. I now have to buy the following. A new tire, A rotor, a rim, lug nuts and more things. Oh yea and i have to pay the towing bill. There goes that pay check. So guess what. I HATE CARS but now need to find my own because I just found out my father is selling the truck he was going to let me use. Screw this! I should buy a damn horse

2010-01-06T22:37:00.002-05:00

Well I don't even know anymore. Im so confused. I miss him a lot even though he cheated on me. Maybe I don't miss him so much as I do the relationship dynamic. I spent yesterday and today reading a lot of our old emails and IM conversations. I also folded and sent him an IM today saying " I miss our freaking relationship" to which I got no response. I guess its truly over and I feel like he has wanted it for awhile but wasn't man enough to end it so he let it fade. Now I miss the companionship. I haven't talked to my manager in a few days either, I don't know what is up with that since we used to text a lot. Im lonely. I miss snuggling after being punished and knowing I was forgiven . I seriously miss the accountability. I miss freaking having a boy friend.
Right now I don't even care if its Dom/sub or vanilla :( I hate feeling like this. So empty

Short but sweet

2010-01-05T00:20:00.002-05:00

Well the Ex and I will never ever be happening. Why do you ask? Well first lets say I have been waiting awhile for a clear answer on what I should do. Well it came last night in the form of an AIM conversation. I found out him and my friend whom introduced us were no longer talking and I wanted to know why so here is the following conversation ( i dont have the actual conversation so I will see what I remember)

*after asking why they weren't talking*
Him: Because I got annoyed with her. because she was flirting with me but not following through, everytime she wasn't with Will.

Me: where u flirting back

Him: So I told her I was keeping my distance cause I couldn't trust her.

Me: well were you

Him: Yes

Me: Even when we were considered together? and when you knew I was trying to get you back. AND she knew it too?

Him: Yes

Me: Oh ( i then signed off and dont really want to talk to either of them again)

new year

2010-01-03T22:48:00.002-05:00

2010! Funny ring to it. Im almost determined to make this year a good one even though its had a crappy crappy start. Being a whole three days (almost four) doesn't leave me much hope though.

On the relationship front: Ex and I have spoken on Aim shortly for the last few days. I got him to add up all my hours for me. and roughly figure out how much my check will be. He even deducted the taxes for me. I WUVS his math skills. Its funny. We aren't necessarily in a relationship but I find myself living by the rules we once had when I talk to him. Now for the manager guy. I for some reason think he is mad at me or something cause at work today he was in a really shitty mood. I stayed away from him as much as possible and didn't even try and flirt. I got all pretty for nothing. And Im still horny as ever.

I decided I only like my dad in my family. Well my uncle and my dad. I will never apparently get along with my mom. I just can't. I don't even try anymore. Im like a walking attitude with her anymore. Im so ready to buy a car and rent an apartment so I can have boys over and be me.

I cant be me with my parents watching my every move.

When will it all become clear on what to do :( Everything is all hazy

Hazy stacie

Taking advice

2009-12-31T12:08:00.003-05:00

I was given some advice by Spirited on trying to figure out myself before I try and figure out the males. So the last few days I have been trying to figure it out and gosh darn it, its not easy!!

I have been so into finding a dommy type guy for the past 3 years that I haven't taken the time to find myself. I know I love serving guys. I get in the weak in the knees when guys use a tone of voice thats a little harsh. Barking orders. Maybe thats why I like my manager at work because he is a natural leader. I have very strong leadership skills as well and if you were to talk to my family and friends I don't think they would see me as the sub type.

I don't know where my attraction to those type of men came from. All I know is that their there. I have to ask myself a lot if I could even settle for a vanilla relationship? I don't know that answer. I think I could in the beginning but I would get bored very easy.

My manager and I get along well. Our head managers are starting to have us close together because we make a good team. I mean I do all the cashiering and he is able to start recovering the store. Last night there were four tills that needed counted and set up for the next day. Now I just started working there like right before thanksgiving. I offered to count my own till (which is all Im supposed to do) and the manager till that was up there for the busy moments. He agreed quickly that we could split the work load. so I did the manager till and my own. That way he wasn't there until like 2 am doing tills and I got an hour overtime in. ($$$$) We go to leave together and he was thankful for my help. *BEAMS* We still ended up talking till 2 am via txt messaging. I will see him tomorrow for a few hours but we wont be closing together.

I just really like feeling wanted ya know. I never really got that feeling with the ex because he was far away. I dont even know if its a good idea to pursue something with the work guy because we work together. I also have this mad feeling to have sex. Masturbation isnt cutting it anymore. I need filled. ya know? does anyone think Im being dumb here or what. Please I need advice.

Stacie is very confused right now

I have no Idea this is so random

2009-12-28T23:16:00.002-05:00

I WANT FRIED PICKLES!!! Like I need to have them NOW!!! I need pickles. I have this strange craving for them and no I am not pregnant. My mother asked yesterday and the ex asked today. Can't a girl just want pickles and eat them! Goodness. My mother assures me I am not frying them. Well Guess what Yes I am cause I want them gosh darn it and Im paying for the ingredients!

On to other news. All I do is work and sleep. Work and sleep. I am ready for a break. But I need the next pay check to put down on a car. I am buying a Jeep if it kills me. So thats exciting in my book. My parents think its a waist(well at least I know my mother does) My father is out of town on business and it sucks cause lately I feel like he is the only one who listens to me.

The ex: Well Im kinda almost ready to give up on trying and turn vanilla. I want a boy friend, I want real sex. I miss it. Im kinda feeling like Im never gonna find what I want in a man. *sigh* really really depressing. Im like sick of waiting. I thought he was the guy but I dont know if I feel like that anymore. Yea I just am hanging on to nothing I feel.

Stressful christmas

2009-12-26T00:37:00.002-05:00

Merry christmas everyone I hope you had a wonderful one!

Mine was stressful. Im gonna post about it but not sure how much because Im tired and have to work tomorrow. I got a new camera thats awesome!! I can't wait to start actually taking photos now.

Now on to why it was stressful. My mom has been an utter bitch the last week or so. My mom and I never get along for long periods of time anyway so Im not surprised plus I think she is beginning to go into met-pause (totally the wrong spelling but im tried. So no surprise there. So basically I tried to avoid her today.

My dads older brother is moving in here. So our house is gonna be a little full. Im happy about this. Kinda. First off Im being kicked out of the basement apt which Im not thrilled about but hey he would use it more than I would. I mean lately all I do is work and sleep. SO I never use the living room/dinning room/ kitchen area. So my rents gonna be cheaper. And my parents can charge him more and they do need the money badly. Now the part Im most upset about is I have to go to a twin sized bed. I know that seems kinda like dorky to be upset about but Im like 20 almost 21 and Im not a kid anymore. Im used to having a queen/full sized bed. All my sheets and such fit those sized beds. I can't have guys spend the night in a twin ( not that im supposed to anyway) I just like the room. Plus I payed for all the stuff I have in the Apt. Like the towels and shower curtain. I wont have my own bathroom now either which I dont like at all. I hate sharing a bathroom with a whole bunch of teenagers. So adjustment period. Yes I think so very much.

Now I also am looking to buy a car in 2 weeks. Why 2 weeks because I will have another pay check to put down on it which will put a nice down payment. Hopefully I am keeping my job and Hopefully with in the month of Jan I will own a car. I also learned today my dad is on my side a lot with everything. He agrees we need to get me a car asap. He also agrees about the bed thing too. which to me is shocking. My father and I don't have a wonderful relationship. He wasnt here a lot when I needed him growing up. Its good to know he is trying now and I for some reason am a lot quicker to forgive him then my mother.

So tonight I talked to my friend S.K about everything and she seemed to agree with me. I talked to the ex and he seemed strangely out of it. Idk what his problem is. Im way to tired to explain. Then again we only talked online so maybe im reading to much in to it.

im gonna crash. Goodnight all
Stacie

Ps. I know I have some followers and this blog is new but I could really use some encouragement and comments so please leave me some

much love,
Stace

Sighs happy sigh

2009-12-24T21:02:00.001-05:00

Oh Happppppppy Sigh!!! I cannot explain it to you...ok ok I'll try :D

Lets see where to begin: Worked last night. not a terrible shift just super busy. I was kinda excited cause I was working with the manager who likes me. But he was in a weird mood so I kinda just let him be. I finished counting my till. He (the manager) asked me to do the trash (gross but I didn't care) then I was asked to take all the hangers back. 6 freaking heavy boxes of hangers like a million hangers. Everyone else had gone home except the cashiers, so it didn't feel fair.(plus my mom was waiting) So I did the trash and walked back and was like "can I please go home" I did the trash and Im tired. Everyone else went home." his answer which made me feel terrible was "Umm well it wasn't what I asked but go home" I felt like 2 inches tall. I mean that was kinda like a dom answer. *blush*

But on to goodish news. Ex seems like we are making great strides to being back together. I made the comment that I didn't want to go to work ( on friday) and his comment was "If your breathing, and your not dying your going!!!" Oh happy sigh.I was so happy I think I confused him, cause I was like oh we're back at that YAY!! He was like WTF you want me to be your Dom and your happy that Im making you do something. So I explained I was happy that he was taking that control again. Very happy!!! So last night while I was counting up my till I txted him and was like well I went to work and I was a good girl and didn't even whine. his only response. " Thats what I expect to hear" *melt* He is just about back!!!

So I worked today and it F'ing dragged. It was the longest 8 hour shift ever. But Im happy cause Im off tomorrow and I got payed today. I opened my check and was like OMFG. The store manager BJ was like um something wrong. All I could say was um close to 700 dollars amazing. He just smiled and was like you were here a lot and earned every penny. Its nice to know I have a little extra money. So I can pay bills and really set some money away for my new/used car. Oh and buy a new bed. Yea long story but I need a new one cause I am not going back to a twin *pout stomp stomp POUT*

Tomorrow is christmas and its gonna be a white one :D and its pretty and nice and OK it really doesn't feel like christmas to me. It seems like way to early for it to be christmas.

Random fact I wanna go get my nails done

Merry Christmas folks

Christmas Time

2009-12-22T22:36:00.005-05:00

Today I did nothing. Which is wonderful! I slept till like 11 which was Fucking wonderful and all warm and cozy under the blankets. I defiantly wasn't rushing to get out of. I do miss feeling someone next to me though, and the cat doesn't count! Looks like Im going to have to buy a new car though which kinda sucks. I just went through the whole process earlier this year. Like in September. I put my entire first pay check, and all my birthday money towards that car and it only got me 3 months. ERGH!!! I wish I could find the guy who hit me so I could sue his ass into buying me a new car then I would get the yellow Jeep Wrangler I need. But Alas right now Im stuck looking around for a new car. Now the debate is what is affordable and can meet my needs. Id like it to have 4WD because of the impending snow we are supposed to get a lot this winter. YUCKY!!! I like summer so much better. Which a jeep would be cool cause I could go topless in the summer and not get arrested. HEHE!! I know its a lame joke. I would even do a truck but I prefer a SUV like car. I don't like car shopping. Its expensive, boring and I have no idea what Im looking for. I just know what I want and what I want I can't afford. ERGH NESS!!!!

ex and I have been talking a bit today maybe clearing some things up. Which feels so good. I feel like when we have these days Im making progress towards my goal of us being together. Im kinda tired of hearing bout the ex tho. She comes up a lot lately. Then he mentioned he found some of her toys in storage. She really screwed him over yet he still is friends with her. I understand they were together for a long and they have the same friends and what not but I dont like it. I kinda just want him to have eyes on me. Just want me ect. ergh I was bout to go somewhere with this but I got distracted.

Yea so I need to get laid so bad. I need sex. I need rough passionate sex. Masturbating used to work but now its kinda like um no. All I can think of is wanting to be tied up or cuffed up and taken anyway he wants. I hate anal and guess what I would totally go for anal right now. I just wanna cum :(

Edit: oh yea so I remember why I titled the post christmas time. Well its cause I got my tree up today. My parents went to see the a christmas show so my brother and I stayed home an put up our tree since my parents seem to be lacking in the get it together. So we put the tree up, which I am very proud of. I love the theme and its gorgeous. I also took picture of all the lights out side in our yard today. I am including this pictures for you to enjoy.
e

Random thoughts

2009-12-21T22:01:00.002-05:00

This post is pretty much random stuff sorry to any readers who want to "listen" to me ramble

Week of christmas and work is crazy!!! I got there at 6:50 something this morning. And we opened at 7. Had to have our daily meeting while I chugged liquid energy in a cup. Then I got to hear all the

to do lists

. Seriously Um Gonna call him K for short here. Um its Christmas week. I don't know how you expect 2+ pages of notes to get done today and everything but... ok ok I never said this but I defiantly wanted to. I don't know what he was thinking. So I managed to get 1 thing.... one stinking thing done on that list before we got SLAMMED!!! Im talking 8 hours of none stop lines and I worked maybe 9, or 10 hours and didn't even have time for a break. It was INSANE! Glad I'm off tomorrow.

Now how am I supposed to fix things with my ex who I want back...I think. I mean he makes a wonderful boyfriend and he was a natural at the whole Dom/sub thing. I pushed a lot to hard and got my nose cut off in spite my face so he ended it, I do have the opportunity to fix what I did and work on rebuilding trust I demolished. Honestly without boring details I can say our relationship had huge break down in communication and we both realized this.So we are basically starting from the ground and building up. Now the next part adds another huge hurdle. Long distance. Try 4 or 5 hours distance. Only he has a car right now because mine was totaled and I don't have the money for a new one. So now your filled in on that.

Why do I say I think I want him back. Well because I question sometimes whether this is worth it in the end or am I going to end up hurt. I think one of the leads at work likes me. I don't know if its just for sex or if its like a relationship. Plus I get all embarrassed when I try to explain that I want the Dom/Sub stuff. Its so silly. But I cant come out and just say it. 'Ya know!?!?! I get to play that waiting game now which I hate. I swear Im annoying my ex by being like well are things better yet? Am I doing things right yet? ect. He says Im not which in itself is a relieve but I just want to know whats going on in his head. *sigh* Its kinda funny how I still in my head go by the rules we had in our relationship. Like there a comfort zone and I don't want to leave them. I know I get annoyed when one of my parents asks me to check in ( I currently am living at home due to financial trouble) but I think to myself " Your not the one I'm supposed to be answering to"

I really miss my sub self and my Dom.
So hopefully things fix themselves soon or things become clear on what to do.

My very first post!

2009-12-19T23:16:00.001-05:00

Ok where to begin. I am Stacie which isn't my real name but It will have to do for this blog. I started this blog to kinda just vent and try and search for answers to my questions ect.

I am a submissive. I currently don't have a dom or a master. My boyfriend and I broke up do to some issues. We are working on deciding whether we want to continue which I think we both do. I really miss our relationship we used to have. Even though I can be a total brat. I do miss the accountability that the relationship brought.

I guess you guys would want to know how I got into the Dom/sub stuff. Well I don't know really. I know what an answer. For some reason I always was drawn to spanking. I guess it slowly evolved into what has become today. Which I would classify as the need to serve and take care of a man who has control over me. Sorry if it isn't clear. I really am using the blog to try and straighten things out in my brain.

So basically thats it. I will post more later. I have to work a long 9 hour shift tomorrow at a big chain sports shop. The weather sucks with a whole lot of snow which was dumped all over my state. So getting to work is going to be a blast *sarcasm* Probably super busy to. Have I ever mentioned I hate working retail. Um I don't think I have but I do!!! people are mean when I'm just trying to do my job!

I think I'll leave it there for the night.

Stacy <3

A Confused Sub

prayers requested

in a funk

glimmer of hope....

wish you understood

I dont normally do this but....

unexpected weekend fun.

fuck fuck fuck

sunshine makes my world go round

weddings & kink

sitting in the Er

Playing catch up

Three doms one me....

age player?

This weekend!!!

HOME!!!

And peace returns to the land

Rain = grumpy men I have decided

New life,... New rules.... but its my life

Settling in

A New Beginning

Frustrated beyond compare

Miss me ?

Annoyed

Same old same old *sigh*

Tantrums get you know where.

I WINNED !!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

Last Straw

Blizzard 2010

Thank you

Challenges

Thin ice

New beginnings

Bitterness!

At the cross roads

Due for an update

Split personalities?

Cha Ching

Near Death Experience

Short but sweet

new year

Taking advice

I have no Idea this is so random

Stressful christmas

*Sighs happy sigh*

Christmas Time

Random thoughts

My very first post!

Same old same old sigh

Sighs happy sigh